Olympic Pen Missed Connections
by BitterHarpy
Summary: 'You pulled a gun on me and now I can't get you out of my mind. I want to know everything about you- how you take your coffee, what you do for a living, and if you pull your gun on every guy you meet. So, if you see this, please meet me at 8pm on January 13 at the place where you tried to kill me and we can maybe see where this goes.'
1. Chapter 1

**Olympic Pen Missed Connections**

 **I have decided to be really stupid (I mean brilliant) and post two- maybe three- stories at the same time. I just posted the first chapter to the other one and now, here is this one. I doubt I will be able to post every update simultaneously as I am flying by the seat of my plus size drawers on this one. But this is the light-hearted alternative to the other fic. And as Sarcastic Bimbo said, "I need this in my life!"**

 **Again, I don't own this. I rarely do in depth research, I am not a descriptive writer and frankly as a reader, I don't like having to think a whole lot. That is why I read. To escape reality. So this is fiction, folks. I don't have a beta or a pre-reader so any grammatical or punctuation errors are all mine and I do own them. I don't have a set schedule but if I had to guess, I would probably say once a week on Sunday so if I happen to update more than that it will be a surprise to us all.**

 **And gasp! No doctors in this one... unless Bella shoots someone.**

 **Very short prologue so I will probably post an extra chapter this week to make up for it.**

 **Prologue**

 **Jan 6 You pulled a gun on me… (Port Angeles) - m4w**

It was NYE at The Dam Bar out on Hwy 101. You were with some friends- two girls. You caught my eye when I walked in and all I wanted to see was yours. But it was dim and I am too vain to wear my glasses out in public. You were gesturing wildly at your friends and then you stalked out. I decided to follow you out into the admittedly dark and empty parking lot where you were parked in the way back, but I'd had a few drinks and wasn't thinking clearly. I saw you tense up the moment you realized I was behind you but you kept walking to your car, more quickly now. You unlocked it and wrenched open your door and just as I was about to greet you, I was instead greeted by your 9mm Ruger. I know now that your eyes are brown, which coincidentally was the same color as the stain in my boxer briefs that night when I took them off.

I can't get you out of my mind. I want to know your name, though I do admit I call you Annie Oakley. I want to know what your life is like. I want to know everything about you- how you take your coffee, what you do for a living, and if you pull your gun on _every_ guy you meet. So, if you see this, please meet me at 8pm on January 13- a week from now- at the place where you tried to kill me and we can maybe see where this goes.

Yours,

Edward C. Cullen

 **Thanks for reading and I would love to read your thoughts. Also, I have a FB group called... wait for it... Bitter Harpy Fanfiction so if you want teasers or the what not just ask to join.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

 **My heart and my email are so full right now. Thanks to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed.**

 **Okay so Bella is pretty OOC in this fic. She's eccentric in a way but then again judging by the prologue, Edward isn't that normal either. Besides normal is subjective. So just go with it.**

 **Bella Swan**

Another New Year's Eve, another year with no relationship. Well, if you don't count the one I have with my cat, Tanya, which obviously, I don't. Besides, she is rather territorial and psychotic and currently tearing the shit out of my couch with her sharp ass claws.

"Stop that, you evil wench!"

I threw a throw pillow at her. She hissed at me then started attacking it. God, love her.

I wandered into my kitchen, stopping to open the fridge. I bent over, taking inventory of its contents.

One week old pizza. Two week old Chinese. Milk- a month past its sell by date. I took a whiff, gagged, then threw it away. Molded fruit. How I survive adulthood is beyond me. I grew bored and let the fridge door close.

I perused my cabinets. Saltines. A can of tuna. Cat food. More cat food. And more cat food. No wonder Tanya was such a fat ass.

I pulled open the drawer to the right of the stove and took out my impressive stack of take out menus. Both Pizza Hut and Liu's delivered, hence the molding contents in my fridge. So what did I want? Cheese pizza or Beef Broccoli with pork fried rice?

As I was making this most important of decisions, my phone rang. I absentmindedly answered with my usual greeting.

"What?"

"Is that any way to answer the phone?"

"Shit. It's you. No, I am not going out tonight."

Rose sighed. I could just see her rolling her eyes.

"I'm afraid you are. You see, I haven't had a night out in two months. Two months, Bella. And I haven't seen you in six weeks. So yes, you are going to meet me and we are going to ring in the New Year together with Ali. So, suck it up, get dressed- and not in those god awful holey yoga pants either- and meet me at 9 at The Dam Bar."

"That's over an hour away!" I protested.

"So what? What do you possibly have to do that can't wait until tomorrow?" She challenged.

"I have to clean my apartment."

"Bitch, you don't ever clean that hell hole." She had a point. Okay… Ooh, I got it!

"Tanya will miss her feeding."

"That fat ass could miss eight feedings and not starve! Do not make me come all the way to Forks to get you. Because you know I will. Or better yet, I will call Mike and tell him you are having car trouble and need a ride. So help me God, don't try me."

My eyes bugged out of my head.

"Okay! Please, whatever you do, do not call Mike Newton. I will never get rid of him if you do."

"Exactly. See you at 9." She hung up.

Rude, much?

I looked at the clock- the one shaped like a cow- that I got for five bucks at a garage sale over three years ago. It was just now 7, which meant I had an hour to get my ass washed and change into my non-holey clothes and do something with this rat nest on top of my head. I sighed and headed for my tiny bathroom.

It was now 7:50 and I was taking one last glance in the mirror that hung on the back of my door. I looked pretty hot if I did say so myself. My Buckle jeans that made my ass look awesome with my royal blue and white tie dyed shirt that made my boobs look like I had boobs. I slipped on my blue Tom's, ran the brush through my hair one last time and made sure my makeup wasn't clownish.

My phone rang again.

I grabbed it impatiently.

"Bitch, I'm coming!"

"Bella?"

"Oh, Daddy! Hi." I said sheepishly. Charlie didn't approve of my language… skills.

"Where are you going? It's New Year's Eve and you know there will be drunk drivers on the road." He asked, anxiously. My dad, always the cop.

"I'm just going over to Port Angeles. I'm taking the 101, so hopefully it should stay clear. And I'll be with Rose and Ali over at The Damn Bar, so it's a straight shot."

"Hmmm, okay. Look, can you do your old man a favor and take your gun with you? Just in case. Oh, and your pepper spray."

I rolled my eyes.

"Now, Daddy, we have talked about this. You have to call them by their names." I teased, knowing my tendency to personify everything drove him crazy. But he humored me, God love him.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Can you please take 'Angelina' and 'Jose Jalapeño' with you?"

"Sure, I've been wanting to take Angelina out for a test drive." I injected much enthusiasm in my voice.

"Isabella, it is not a toy." He admonished, sternly.

"Keep your pants on, Chief. I was only kidding." Kind of, mostly, not really.

He sighed. "Be careful, Bells. Call me if you need me."

I hung up and smiled at the phone. Then stopped when I saw I was now running late. I made a detour into my closet… um, my room… and grabbed Angelina, Jose and my keys to Myrtle, my beloved vintage Chevy truck.

I arrived a little after nine, attached Jose to my keys, grabbed my debit card and exited Myrtle, leaving Angelina to keep her company. I entered the bar and looked around for Rose and Ali. They had a table in the back and I made my way towards them.

"Hey, Bitches." I threw myself in one of the uncomfortable seats.

Rose peered at me over her margarita. "You're late."

I stuck up my favorite finger at her.

Ali rolled her eyes at both of us and leaned over to hug me.

"It's good to see you, Bella. It's been a while." She looked concerned.

"I'm fine. Deadlines, you know," referring to my occupation as a writer.

"Yeah, deadlines. Trust you to pick the most anti-social job there is." Rose laughed.

"I'm social."

"Oh really? Name three people you have had actual contact with, and not just over the phone or email, in the last week." She challenged.

Easy peasy.

"Mitch, Mr. Liu and Tommy."

"The mailman and the take-out delivery guys are not you being social."

I sighed. This is why I haven't seen Rose lately. I love her but she needs to get off my dick. Ali on the other hand, just looked at me without saying a word but I knew she was concerned in her own quiet way.

Rose's face softened.

"I'm sorry. I …we… just worry about you, is all. Since Riley left, you have been all emo and we just want our Bella back."

Riley Biers. My last relationship that went south. He wasn't special really, more like that straw that broke the camel's back.

I stayed quiet, just ordered my Malibu Pineapple and sipped at it, while the girls talked about dating and their jobs. I didn't have too much to offer to the conversation. I was single and my job writing for an online site wasn't exactly a hot topic. You know those articles that pop up on Facebook and Twitter that pretty much just write a pointless article about whatever is viral at that moment or that share a list of tweets made by funny tweeters? Clickbait? Yeah, I'm one of them. Not exactly rocket science but it paid the bills.

"Bella?"

I snapped out of my thoughts to find my girls looking at me expectantly.

"Yeah?"

"We asked if you wanted to drive up to Seattle next weekend? Share a hotel room, do some shopping?"

I threw them a bone.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun."

They both looked relieved.

We sat around catching up for a while and I switched to Coke. I was actually having a good time. I've known Ali and Rose since high school and we were great friends, just at different places in our lives. Then it all went to hell.

I had let Rose fiddle with my phone under the impression that she was thinking of switching to an iPhone from her Android. Instead when she handed it back, it was with instructions on how to use the newest app she had downloaded on my phone.

Tinder. Yes, that one, with the right and left swipes. I don't do swiping. Swiper, no swiping!

And the profile was a joke! I was not a motivated, ambitious woman looking for Mr. Right. I was an idle, repressed woman looking for myself. And the picture was eight years old. My hips haven't been that size in years.

"I know that you both are worried about me but believe me when I tell you that I am fine. I know that you don't think so because I've been stagnant for a couple of years. I admit that but you pressuring me into being who I am not, is not helping me. This is why I don't go out with you, Rose, because you don't know your boundaries." I stood up and grabbed my things. "And for the record, it's not like your life is that much better than mine. You may have a better paying job and you may have dates lined up until next summer, but your life is just as crappy as mine. Ali, I will see you later."

I then stalked out of the bar, unaware of the situation I was about to find myself in. That'll teach me to storm off in a dramatic huff next time.

 **So lots of new characters... *snort* Which one is your favorite?**

 **I'm going to try to do story rec's when I remember and this week's rec is The Last House on Blackberry Lane by the fabulous shouldbecleaning aka Hilary Bolton. It just completed this morning and I have been waiting and waiting for it!**

 **Also for some weekly recommendations for you lovely Harpies, I recommend two facebook sites this week- they also have blogs as well if you don't do facebook. The first is Smut Sluts and Angst Whores ran by the lovely Sarcastic Bimbo. She does a weekly blog complete with gifs, pics and her own brand of sarcastic humor. God, I love her.**

 **The second is Twilight Fanfiction Recommendations (Completed) ran by the lovely Joanne Riddy. So many fics, so little time.**

 **Next up is Edward.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all the follows, alerts, favorites and reviews. Let's meet Edward, shall we?**

 **Edward Cullen**

My phone rang just as I was getting out of the shower and I practically fell on my ass trying to get to it.

"Hey, Em. Did you decide where we're going yet?" I answered.

"Why are you out of breath? Did I interrupt something?" He asked, hopefully.

"Oh yeah, I have two girls in my bed right now." I joked.

"Really?"

"No, you idiot. I just got out of the shower. Now are you going to tell me where we are going or not?"

"You really need to get laid, Bro. Your dick is going to shrivel up and die."

"My dick is fine and is dusted off regularly."

"Your hand doesn't count," he quipped.

"Can we please get off the subject of my dick and tell me where to meet you at?" I begged.

"The Dam Bar. Eight o'clock. You know there is this girl that I could introduce you to. She can suck a …"

"Bye Em."

I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed.

I loved my brother, I really did, but his interest in my love life- or lack thereof- was really disturbing. He had even taken to pimping out his leftovers.

I didn't need the help. I could get laid on my own but every girl I met just didn't interest me. I had a lot of first dates but I was looking for something different. And until I found it, it was just me and my hand. And my Jergens. And my box of tissues.

I dressed quickly in a T-shirt, button-fly jeans and my chucks. I grabbed my keys, wallet and my glasses. I hated wearing them but just thinking about touching my eyeballs to put in contacts squicked me out. I locked my door to my duplex and walked out to my pristine silver Volvo. It was my baby and I treated her very well. I had her detailed every week, just like I had my apartment deep cleaned every week. Cleanliness was next to Godliness in my book. Everything had its place which is probably why I do what I do for a living.

I owned my own electronic tech support business. When I was younger, I loved matching all the color-coded wires to their ports on the back of the television, VCRs, and Nintendo's. Then as technology evolved it was DVD and Blu Ray players, Xboxes and PlayStation, Laptops and desktops, iPhones. Everything had to be in its proper place in order to work. So, I decided to turn my fascination with that into a paying occupation. I wasn't rich but I was comfortable.

I arrived at my destination in record time. I tended to have a lead foot. I placed my glasses in its holder above my head. I used them to drive, that didn't mean I had to wear them in the bar. I locked my car, pushing the button precisely three times to hear it beep twice to make sure it was locked up tight.

Em and our friend, Jasper, were already at a high top with their drafts so I detoured over to the bar and ordered mine. While waiting, I perused the joint, taking in all the occupants carefully. I doubted I would meet anyone of substance here but you just never knew. Disappointed but not surprised at the low caliber of women, I made my way with my drink over to the guys.

"Hey, Eddie!" Em shouted.

I sighed. He knew how much I hated being called that. But if I corrected him, he would do it all night so I let it go, instead ignoring him and focusing on Jasper.

"How've you been, Man?"

"I've been good, which you would know if you ever came to poker night."

"I've only missed two weeks and you know this time of year is busy. People get all these electronics for Christmas with no idea how to work them. How's work going for you?"

"Same as you. Christmas really brings out the depression and anxiety in people."

Jasper was a psychiatrist in a private practice with three other mental health professionals. He was great at his job and I admired him for what he did. As long as he didn't psychoanalyze me.

"Enough about your boring ass jobs." Em interrupted. "Let's talk about sex, Baby." He warbled out loud.

Good God Almighty. I groaned internally and looked around in embarrassment.

Three more people had joined the bar since I had last looked. Okay, so maybe more than three but sitting at a table across the bar were three women but only one caught my near-sighted eyes.

She was a vision… I think. She had brown hair which floated in a styled disarray around her heart shaped face. She wore this drape-y blue and white shirt and these jeans that even I could see made her ass look great. The only disconcerting thing for me is I couldn't see her eyes.

Some men like breasts and some like asses and some just look at the face to be attracted to someone at first sight, but for me it all about the eyes. Someone once said the eyes are the windows to your soul and I found that to be accurate. You could tell so much about a person if you just looked into their eyes.

For the next hour, I tried to concentrate on my friends and on having a good time but it was like I was on autopilot, my eyes drifting constantly over to her table. I would 'hmmm' in the right places when Jasper or Em would ask a question, but that was the extent of my involvement. Em was clueless but Jasper finally turned around to look at who my gaze was lingering on. He just turned back around, smirked at me and continued his conversation with Em.

Now, the problem with being oblivious to everything around you is that you tended to automatically just do stuff. Like drink the beers that magically refilled themselves when you weren't paying attention or forgetting to grab some of the appetizers to eat before Em's hungry ass got them all. So not only was my eyesight foggy but so was my brain.

But not so foggy that I didn't see her hands start waving around. Not so foggy that I didn't see her get up from her seat, have a few more words then stalk towards the exit. Not so foggy that I realized that if she walked out, I might never see her again.

But probably too foggy to know that following her out into a dim light parking lot with no people outside was not exactly the best idea. And too foggy to know that I was essentially stalking her just to know the color of her eyes and hopefully, her name. Too foggy to notice when she stiffened and started walking more quickly, until she was practically sprinting to her vehicle. Too foggy to stop and call out a friendly 'hey' or 'I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just drunk and really want to see your eyes up close'.

However, that fogginess in both my eyes and my brain soon cleared up because not only did I see the barrel of the gun since it was less than a foot from my face,but I realized instantly what was happening.

"You have exactly five seconds to tell me what the fuck you want before I blow your head off."

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, her eyes were this warm chocolate brown. Second, her voice was throaty and smooth, like a melted version of her eyes. And third, I think I might die tonight.

Oh, and a fourth thing- I think I just shit my pants.

 **So, there's that…**

 **While Bella is a free spirit, Edward is a little more conservative, with a dash of OCD. Oh and he's a little of a light weight when it comes to alcohol.**

 **Next update, we get back to Bella.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the delay, Harpies. I have a senior in high school and we are on the last few weeks before she graduates and when she said she needed help with a research paper, well, this had to take a back seat. However, I only had 344 words as of 8pm tonight so I threw together another thousand and here we are. Chapters will probably always be short with this fic so expect 1000 - 1500 words unless I just find more hours in the day.**

 **Hopefully, it doesn't suck. But hey, it _is_ crack fic-ish so whatevs. **

"You have exactly five seconds to tell me what the fuck you want before I blow your head off."

My voice was as steady as my right hand was holding Angelina, just like Charlie taught me. _Never let them see you sweat, Bella. They will look for any opening to distract you._

I maintained my resting bitch face when all I really wanted to do was go all Dirty Harry on this dude, who followed me out to a dim parking lot in the middle of practically nowhere.

I glanced at the perp, who was sweating bullets as he warily looked at Angelina. I use the word 'look' lightly, as his gaze was unfocused and while he was blinking rather spastically, that was the only thing that moved on his body.

"Five seconds are over." I said, as I unlocked the safety.

The click put him into action as he put both his hands out, shaking them all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around…

Wwait, what? Sometimes, I was too random even for me.

"Wait! Please, wait! I'm not going to hurt you," he assured me.

"Sorry, I can't promise the same."

"I saw you. Across the bar. You were sitting with your friends. You're just so pretty… well, from what I could see. I just wanted to see more of you so…"

"So, you followed me out here thinking it was okay to stalk my ass to my car?"

"I just wanted to see you, up close and personal. I'm a little near sighted and I left my glasses in the car."

"And?" I demanded, letting the gun down.

"And what?"

"Well, what the hell do you think?" I asked.

"About?" He hedged.

"My truck!" I rolled my eyes. "Me. What do you think about me?"

"Well, I don't know." He said.

 _The hell?_

"You don't know? How fucking blind are you? Are we talking Helen Keller or Mila Kunis?"

"I haven't really focused on you so much, more so what's in your hand. Your eyes are beautiful, though." He offered weakly.

"My eyes are beautiful." I repeated, dully. "What kind of crap is that? I should shoot you on principle." I brought Angelina back up to his eye level.

 _Can you see this, Bitch?_

"No, no, no! I love eyes. They are the window to our souls."

They are the windows to our souls? And people thought I was weird.

I decided to take mercy on him and lowered the gun again. He wasn't a psycho. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you."

He allowed himself to relax slightly, then he shifted uncomfortably, his face reddening.

I raised my eyebrow in question.

He shook his head in answer.

I raised the gun in response.

His eyes widened in fear, once again.

I may have been enjoying this a little too much.

"Ishizmapan." He mumbled.

"I can't hear you." I sung.

"I may or may not have shit my pants." He admitted.

"Are you shitting me?" I shrieked.

"No, actually I shit myself." His head hung low but his ears were still red.

The full magnitude of my actions hit me.

This seemingly harmless man just crapped his pants because I was having fun at his expense. Sure, he wasn't the smartest tool in the shed seeing as he followed me out here three sheets to the wind and without his glasses, but he just wanted to see _me_.

I backed away quickly, ignoring the way his head flew up and his eyes flashed with something akin to pain. I wrenched open my Myrtle's door, threw Angelina in the passenger seat and flew out of the parking lot like the hounds of hell were at my tailgate.

" _Oh,_ my God! Oh, _my_ God! Oh, my _God_! What did I just do?

 *****OPMC*****

"I need advice! What do I do? Should I try to find him and apologize? Or should I leave it alone? Do I want to be the woman in his story that made him shit his pants at a bar on New Year's Eve? Shit, what if he went to the police? I need to call Charlie! Should I call Charlie?"

Tanya looked at me with disdain, then raised her back leg up and started licking her girl parts.

"You're no help, Tan, I gotta tell ya." I sighed.

I leaned my head back against the back of the couch then looked at the clock to see the time.

Midnight.

"Happy New Year, Tanya." I whispered.

I must have fallen asleep because the next time I opened my eyes it was light out, I think. I couldn't be sure because Tanya's fat ass was on my face. I pushed her to the floor which gained me a hiss and a howl.

I slowly sat up then startled when a knock sounded at my door.

I rambled to the front door and threw it open.

"How many times do I have to tell you to look out the peephole I installed specifically for that very reason?"

"Morning, Daddy." I opened the door wider and let him in.

"I just wanted to check on you to make sure you were okay. I worked five car accidents last night, one pretty serious."

"As you can see, I'm fine. I was even home before midnight." I smiled halfheartedly.

"Why? Something happen?" He made himself comfortable at my kitchen table.

"I got in a fight with Rose about my love life." I explained, as I pulled out a chair and sat across from him.

"What love life?" He asked.

"Exactly." I laughed.

"So, you just came home?"

"No, first I pulled Angelina on this hot drunk guy that followed me out into the parking lot, then had a little fun, okay a lot of fun, with that before he admitted that I made him crap his pants. I left cause _that_ took _all_ the fun out of it and part of me was afraid I would smell it and then he wouldn't be so hot anymore. Coffee?"

Charlie laughed. "You and your stories. I always said you could write your own words and make a million dollars."

I laughed along with him. "No, I'm dead serious."

Charlie stopped laughing. "Isabella Marie Swan, are you telling me you pulled that gun on an unarmed man and threatened him with it?" He hissed.

"Well, when you say it like that…"

"Where is it?"

"She's locked up in the glove department in Myrtle. Why? Oh no, that is my gun. You gave her to me!"

"For responsible use."

"The dude followed me out into an empty dark parking lot! He could have been a rapist or a serial killer!" I objected.

"Ok, you have a point. What exactly did he say to you?"

"That he thought I was pretty and that he was near sighted and wanted to see me up close and that I had beautiful eyes. Oh, and that eyes are the windows to our souls." I made a face.

"Does that sound like a serial killer or a rapist to you?"

"I don't know. I've never met one." I shrugged.

"Fair enough. Now, what are you going to do if he decides to sues you?"

"For what? The cost of dry cleaning his underwear? I'll buy him a new pair. Hell, I'll spring for a whole pack of Ellen underwear. They _are_ very comfortable. You should try them." I endorsed.

Charlie's eyes bugged out of his head before dropping it onto the kitchen table with a thud.

"You're killing me, Bella."

"The correct phrase is 'You're killing me, Smalls."

Charlie groaned and I patted him on the back.

"Look at the bright side. I didn't kill anyone."

Another thud.

"You know you could have it worse. I could be a crackwhore with five different baby daddies. I'm a father's dream. I'm independent, I'm funny, I'm employed, I pay my own bills and I haven't had sex in a really long time. Like a really really long time."

Charlie choked out a bunch of unintelligible words and turned a rather interesting shade of purple. He shot to his feet and was out the door without even a 'see you later'.

Hmmm, wonder if he shit his pants, too?

After all, I did seem to have that effect on men.

 **I mean no offense to any crack whores with five different baby daddies that may be reading this.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I wrote this in like an hour so if it sucks, I'm sorry. We are down to three very important countdowns in my home. 1) May 11 - my daughter turns 18. 2) May 14- my daughter moves out to help my SIL with her children while my BIL is in Afghanistan for 10 months. 3) May 23- My daughter graduates high school. Y'all this mama might not make it.**

 **For updates and just general fun (sometimes) join Bitter Harpy Fanfiction on FB. I am very open so you get lots of glimpses into my rather boring life. *shrugs* I can't be entertaining ALL the time.**

 **EPOV**

I unlocked my front door in a hurry then ran upstairs to my shower. I had to get clean, pronto. I grimaced when I got to my boxer briefs. Those were my favorite pair of Calvin Klein's. I reached under my sink and grabbed a trash bag and threw them in there, tying the bag closed. Then after another moment, reached for another one and double bagged it then threw it away. I turned the water to as hot as I could stand it then scrubbed my skin raw. I felt so gross and dirty.

Eventually, my hot water ran out and I was forced out of the shower. I pulled on a pair of clean pajama bottoms and a soft tee shirt and took the bathroom trash, put it with the kitchen trash and took it all out to the curb. Then I locked up and wandered around my house. It wasn't even midnight yet.

I found that my thoughts strayed to her. I didn't even know her name; just that she was gorgeous, had brown eyes and was slightly eccentric. If I wasn't mistaken, she had enjoyed the power she had over me, but there didn't seem to be anything sadistic behind it. She was more amused than anything once she got over her initial scare. I smiled. I'd call her Annie Oakley.

Somehow, I fell asleep and woke up with a crick in my neck. I cracked it, took care of some bathroom needs and grabbed the biggest mug of coffee I had. Starbucks had nothing on me.

I was reading the paper, glad to be off today, when my door opened and Em barged in. I groaned, wondering why I ever gave that man a key.

"Where the hell did you go last night? And why didn't you answer your phone?" He bellowed.

Where was my phone? I looked around the apartment before realizing I must have left it in the car.

"Sorry, I left it in the car. As for last night, well, something happened."

"You got your dick wet! About damn time. She still here?" He craned his neck to look around like she would just pop out of nowhere.

"No, Em. No one is here."

"She left already?" He was dismayed. "Did you do the thing I told you about? The thing with the bending?"

"Oh for the love of… Emmett! I didn't take anyone home last night! Okay? Now, get off my dick before I throw you out." I yelled.

Em quieted as I didn't normally use his full first name.

"Sorry, Bro. But why did you leave last night without a word to Jazz or me?"

Should I tell him? The man with the emotional maturity of an eight year old? I needed to talk to someone.

"I met someone. A woman. She was across the bar from us, her and two other girls. You know how I hate wearing my glasses?" He nodded. "Well, I couldn't really see her so when she got up, I followed her out to the parking lot. The empty-of-all-people dark, parking lot." His eyes widened. "Yeah, I know, not the smartest move on my part but I'd had a few and well… anyway, she was parked in the way back and the more I followed her, the more I wanted to meet her. She must have gotten freaked out because she reached her truck and before I could say anything, she had her 9mm Glock pointed at me." I paused.

"Well, go on!" Em demanded.

I groaned.

"God, Em, she was so gorgeous and her eyes are this delicious chocolate brown and her voice is… gah… just so throaty and smooth. And she went all Dirty Harry on me, asking me what the fuck I was doing and all I could think of is how I wanted to know more about this woman. It only took like three seconds for me to realize all this. And I told her that I just wanted to see her up close and she asked me what I thought and I said this bullshit thing about eyes being windows to our souls and I swear, Em, I thought she was going to shoot my ass and well then I had to tell her… um.."

"What!" Em yelled.

"I shit myself."

"You what?" Em asked.

"I literally told her that the moment she pulled the gun, I shit myself."

Em's face was priceless. It was this horrified, disgusted look as he looked at my face then down at my lap and back up. Waiting… waiting… waiting…

Then he lost fucking lost it. I'm talking falling out of the chair, rolling around on my kitchen floor, crying, farting, can't catch his breath kind of laughter that rarely happens to anyone.

I stepped over him to grab another cup of coffee and peruse my fridge.

I was halfway through cooking my eggs when he got up, grabbing his stomach and sat back down, wiping his eyes as he did so.

"Oh my God, that's priceless. She'll never have sex with you now."

I plated our food and after handing Em his plate, sat down with a sigh.

"I didn't even get her name so it's not like I could look her up anyway. She bolted when I told her that so I pretty much know that it's a lost cause. Sucks, cause I think I could like her."

"Like her, like her?" He asked.

I shrugged and started eating.

He banged his fist on the table and I jumped.

"Well, then we have to find her!" He announced.

"No, Em, just leave it alone. I would be too embarrassed to face her anyway."

"What the fuck, Dude? You go on and on about wanting to find a woman of substance and how you haven't clicked with any of the chicks you have taken out. About how you want to find the one and you find someone that you like and you're going to let a little thing like crap get in your way?"

"Em, I don't know her name. I call her Annie."

"Annie?"

"For Annie Oakley."

Em laughed.

"Ok, she has to be local. No one travels that far to go The Dam Bar. So, she would have to be from PA, Seqium or Forks. So, let's start there."

"And just how to do you think we should do that? Phone book, knock on every door with an old truck, put out flyers. 'Excuse me, have you seen a crazy woman pulling a gun on people lately'?" I asked, sarcastically.

Em's eyes lit up. Oh no. This could not be good.

"I have the perfect idea. Get your computer."

Warily, I did as he asked.

He took it from me and with a few clicks, he shoved the screen back to me.

"We do an ad."

I looked at the screen. _Olympic Pen Missed Connections_. Well, hot damn. This could work after all.

"Em, you're a genius."

"I know." He grinned.

I grinned back, fist bumped my brother and went to work.

When done, I looked over what I had written. I definitely wasn't a writer.

"It sounds crazy." I complained.

"Of course, it does. You are looking for a woman who pulled a gun on you and made me crap your pants like two year old and now you want to find and date her. Crazy doesn't begin to cover it." He pointed out.

I would give him that.

"I don't know. Maybe I should just leave it alone."

He made an impatient sound, grabbed my computer from me and clicked a few things.

"Done!" He announced, satisfied.

I looked at the screen in horror. He had posted it.

"Oh, shit. What have we done?" I looked closer. That son of a bitch added my name!

"Emmett, you shit head! Now everyone is going to know I shit my pants!"

He grinned was filled with mischief. "That was the plan, Stan. I just can't believe you went along with it. You must really want to meet this girl."

"Get. Out! Get out now!"

Em grabbed his phone, flipped me off then exited the premises.

I looked at my computer. To delete or not to delete? That is the question.

"Fuck it. I need to find Annie." I whispered to myself. I only hoped this worked.

 **BPOV up next Sunday.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I am very sorry for the three week delay on this fic. My daughter graduated high school and there were a lot of changes to her life all at once. I had to be a mother, first and foremost. I am now back on track so here we go.**

 **Chapter 6**

 **BPOV**

The next couple of days went like they normally did- boring with no signs of life. I often wondered if I died, would anyone notice? Or would they discover me weeks later half eaten by Tanya? I could feel her narrowed eyes on me now. She would totally eat me, the fat ass.

I threw my hair up into a messy bun and padded over to my fridge to get last night's left overs. Beef Broccoli. Yum. With my plate in my hand, I headed over to my office area which was just a corner of my living room with a desk, lamp and my purple HP laptop, otherwise known as The Purple People Eater, or PPE for short. So named because when I got horrible comments on my articles, I would eat them for breakfast. I'm not known for my sensitivity or willingness to put up with bullshit and am very quick to shut down the haters.

I scarfed down my food as I perused my emails.

Junk, junk, ooh 15% off Hot Topic, work, work, more junk, more work.

I grimaced at my obvious lack of social life. Maybe I shouldn't have deleted that Swiping app.

That made me think of Rose. I should call her. I hated fighting with the bitch.

I flagged the work emails to come back to and grabbed my phone to call my best friend.

She picked up on the first ring.

"I'm sorry." We both blurted out, simultaneously.

"It's okay." I assured her.

"No, it's not. Everyone deserves to live their life the way they want. And you don't do that to me."

I sighed. "No, I don't."

"I'll try not to do it again." She said.

Ha! I gave it two weeks.

"So, what are you doing right now?"

"Nothing much, off today. You?"

"I'm working my very stimulating job, of course."

She snorted.

"How about I grab some wine and come over and help you by making fun of all the viral shit you repost."

"Sounds like a great plan."

"Great, see you in thirty."

I hung up and did that mad dash around the house. Gathering up all the dirty dishes and placing them in the sink, all the dirty clothes and throwing them in the washer, fluffing pillows, throwing the blankets over the bed neatly. I got more cleaning done waiting for Rose then I have in weeks. I should have company over more often.

When she arrived, we hugged it out and settled on the couch with PPE. We perused the shit I would re-post out into the world wide web, again. There was the usual political stuff (God, would this shit ever end), the weeping, inspiring stuff, the dancing people videos (Flash mobs needed to be on the way out) and the like. I put my two cents in the article which included the original link and posted on all social media sites. I can't believe I got paid to do this shit.

I took a break after about two hours and two glasses of wine. I probably needed to stop before I made fun of any more politicians. People got their panties in a wad over crap like that. I left Rose to it as I made my way to the bathroom.

Suddenly, I heard her laugh out loud. Really loud, so I pulled up my pants, washed my hands and dashed back out to the living room. I could use a funny pick-me-up.

"What is it?" I asked, as I settled back next to her.

She was wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Oh my God, Bella! This email just came in from your boss- I hope you don't mind that I opened it- but there is this Craigslist posting that is making its way over the internet but he says right now, it is just local. Bella, it is hilarious. Listen to this." She cleared her throat and began reading.

' _Jan 6 You pulled a gun on me… (Port Angeles) - m4w_

 _It was NYE at The Dam Bar out on Hwy 101. You were with some friends- two girls. You caught my eye when I walked in and all I wanted to see was yours. But it was dim and I am too vain to wear my glasses out in public. You were gesturing wildly at your friends and then you stalked out. I decided to follow you out into the admittedly dark and empty parking lot where you were parked in the way back, but I'd had a few drinks and wasn't thinking clearly. I saw you tense up the moment you realized I was behind you but you kept walking to your car, more quickly now. You unlocked it and wrenched open your door and just as I was about to greet you, I was instead greeted by your 9mm Ruger. I know now that your eyes are brown, which coincidentally was the same color as the stain in my boxer briefs that night when I took them off._

 _I can't get you out of my mind. I want to know your name though I do admit I call you Annie Oakley. I want to know what your life is like. I want to know everything about you- how you take your coffee, what you do for a living, or if you pull your gun on every guy you meet. So, if you see this, please meet me at 8pm on January 13- a week from now- at the place where you tried to kill me and we can maybe see where this goes._

 _Yours,_

 _Edward C. Cullen'_

"Isn't that just the funniest thing you have ever read? And The Dam Bar on New Year's Eve? Bella, we were there and this was going on and we never even knew. Of course, you left early after our fight and…" She finally looked up to where I was, frozen. She looked from me to PPE and then back to me. "Bella, didn't Charlie buy you a gun for Christmas? A 9mm Ruger?"

Her eyes widened as she finally put everything together. "You're Annie Oakley?"

For once in my life, I was at a loss for words. I flailed around a bit, my mouth opening and closing like a fish trying to suck in oxygen. He was looking for me? After, I pulled a gun on him? I shook my head at Rose in disbelief, took PPE from her and just read it repeatedly.

He wanted to know my name.

He wanted to know things about me.

He wanted to meet up.

His name was Edward.

Edward C. Cullen.

I wonder what the C stands for. Having seen him up close and personal, I could admit it could stand for cute. Cougar Bait, maybe. Ooh, Cunnilingus. Never mind, I doubt his mother was a freak. It was probably something respectful and upstanding. He looked respectful and upstanding, though drunk and stalkery.

"Bella!"

I retreated from inside my head.

"Sorry. This just took me by surprise. Yes, I'm Annie Oakley." I admitted.

Her eyes widened and she squealed. "I need to call Alice."

"No!" I shouted. "The less people that know, the better for me. I don't want this out."

"Too late. It's out. It's going viral, Bella."

"I know that, but no one knows it's me he's referring to. It could be anyone."

She pondered that for a moment. "Okay, yeah. I see your point. So, are you just going to be vague in the article?"

"Of course, that's my job."

"I need to pee. I'll be right back." She handed me her wine glass and sauntered off towards my bathroom.

I took a gulp of it and set it aside.

She made it back as I was halfway through writing my take on the posting. She poured herself another glass as she waited patiently for me to finish.

When I was almost done, there was a knock at my door. I furrowed my brow.

"I'm not expecting anyone." I told Rose.

"I'll see who it is."

The next thing I heard was, "Alice, what a surprise! How did you know I was here?"

Alice looked confused. "You told me to come over." She said.

Are you fucking kidding me? I glared at Rose.

Rose dug her fingers into Alice's side, making her yelp in pain.

"What the hell, Rose?" Alice yelled.

"Yeah, what the hell Rose?" I yelled.

"She's our friend. She's your friend. She needs to see this."

"See what?" Alice asked.

"Oh my God, Alice, It's so hilarious." Rose stole a quick look at me. "I mean, embarrassing and Bella needs us to be supportive."

"What happened?"

"It's nothing, Alice. I just had a little altercation after I left you on New Year's Eve. Everything is fine. It's no big deal. Really."

"That is not what the internet is saying." Rose butt in. I will kill her.

"How is the internet involved in your altercation?" Alice asked, sounding exasperated.

Rose plucked PPE out of my hands and thrust it to Alice. "Read." She demanded.

With a confused look at both of us, she settled at my kitchen table and read.

"I fail to see the big deal. It's a craigslist posting. A funny craigslist posting but what does that have to do with Bella?"

"Bella is Annie Oakley. Annie Oakley is Bella. Bella pulled a gun on this poor schmuck and made him do a code Brown in his pants. And he still wants to date her."

"Oh. Oh! And I can't get a second date with any man? How the hell is this fair?" Alice complained.

"Guys, I am not going to date him. I'm not even going to meet him. I am going to reblog this article and that is the end of it." I said, firmly.

They both looked at me, then at each other then back at me, their beady little eyes dripping with evil plans. Plans that included me, Edward C. Cullen and The Dam Bar.

God Damnit, I needed new friends.

 **See you Sunday.**


	7. Chapter 7

**I know, I know. It's been three weeks but I needed to finish up WTHI and now that's done not accounting for the futuretakes I'll be doing. I am back to once a week updating here. Just a reminder that chapters will be shortish- around 1200 to 1500 a chapter. If one happens to run over that, consider that a bonus.**

 **We are back to Edward's POV. Thanks to B for coming up with the ah… snippet of song choice in this one… I rewrote a couple of words to fit the situation. Original song is Jizz in My Pants by Lonely Island. Enjoy.**

 **Chapter 7**

 **EPOV**

' _And I SHIT IN MY PANTS_

 _This really never happens you can take my word_

 _I won't apologize, that's just absurd_

 _Mainly your fault from the way that you aim_

 _And now I SHIT IN MY PANTS'_

"Emmett!" I screamed, even though he was across town at that moment.

"Hey, Bro. How's it hanging?" He asked. I could hear his juvenile ass smirking across the damn phone.

"How the hell did you get ahold of my phone, Emmett?" I gritted through clenched teeth.

"Well, you see, Edward, I recorded my vocal stylings onto a voice note then when you were mowing the lawn, I sent it to your phone in a text message. Then, I broke into your phone and made it your ring tone. You're not the only technically savvy brother in this family, you know."

I hung up on him and flung my phone on the bed. Son of a bitch was driving me crazy. So were the damn responses to that Craigslist ad. They ranged from fetish fuckers to really twisted cougars. None were my Annie.

I crashed onto my couch and settled my arm over my eyes. It had been four days since I posted and so far, nada.

 _And now I SHIT IN MY PANTS…_

I angrily grabbed my phone and answered it.

"Fuck you, Emmett!"

"Sorry?" A tentative voice sounded on the line. I pulled the phone from my ear and looked at the number. It was a Seattle based number.

"No, I'm sorry. Emmett is my brother and he… never mind, this is Edward, how can I help you?"

"This is Charlotte Baker from the Seattle Times. Is this Edward Cullen?"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you would be willing to grant me an interview."

An interview?

"Are you sure you have the right number?"

"Yes, Edward C. Cullen. You placed an ad on Craigslist two days ago trying to find your 'Annie Oakley'."

"Yeah… wait, how did you know about that?"

"Mr. Cullen, your ad has gone viral."

"Did you just say my ad went viral?" I said, my voice reaching an octave I haven't obtained since I was going through puberty.

"Yes, sir."

"But… but, it was just a local ad. How? Why?" Then a thought occurred to me. "Oh my God, everyone knows I shit my pants!"

"Well, yes." She said hesitantly.

"I'm going to go die now."

"Okay, but can you give me the interview first?" She asked.

"No." Then I hung up.

 _And now I SHIT IN MY PANTS…_

I groaned but looked at the number this time.

Mom.

"Hey, Mom. How's everything with you and Dad?" I asked, struggling to sound normal. I didn't want my mom to know what was going on.

"Great, Baby. Everything is wonderful. How're you?" She asked, sounding at ease.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm fine. Everything is fine. Um… have you talked to Emmett lately?"

"No, you know how he is. Too busy laughing at his bad jokes and chasing ass."

I laughed softly. My mother certainly had a way with words.

"True."

We talked a little more, my phone constantly beeping in my ear with other calls. I am going to have to change my number.

"Mom, I have some business to attend to, so as much as I am enjoying this conversation, I have to let you go."

"Okay but before you do, when do we get to meet her?"

"Meet who?"

"Your Annie Oakley."

"You knew this whole time?" I shrieked. I really needed to check on why my voice kept doing that.

"Sweetie, I spend most of my day on the internet. Did you think I just looked up recipes on Pinterest? Really, Edward." She admonished.

I groaned.

"It's not that bad. I am sure she will contact you as soon as she sees the ad. And my son is famous now, so why wouldn't she want to meet you?"

"Um, maybe because I defecated in my under garments in her presence." I replied, sarcastically.

"Well, there is that. But I will make sure she knows that hasn't happened since you were two and a half. Well, there was that time when you were five and Emmett gave you X-lax and made you think it was chocolate but we don't have to tell her about that. Oh, you did throw the underwear away, right?"

"Oh my God… Mom, I love you but I really have to go."

I hung up as she was wishing me luck.

 _And I SHIT IN MY PANTS…_

That's it. I threw my phone against the wall where it was mercifully quiet. I deep breathed to calm down then went to retrieve my phone.

 *****OPMC*****

"What happened to it?" The Verizon employee asked in obvious confusion as I handed him my phone.

"I dropped it." I explained.

"From where, American Airlines Flight 411?"

"No." I replied curtly. "Look, I just need another phone."

"Okay, but it's gonna cost you." He murmured.

"Of course, it will." I sighed.

"Name?"

"Edward Cullen."

The employee's head snapped up.

"The Edward Cullen? Edward C. Cullen who posted the ad?"

Oh, for the love…

I smiled tightly.

"Can you maybe do your job and just replace my phone so I can get out of here? Oh, and I need a new number. Please."

The employee snapped out of his trance and quickly got me hooked up. As I was paying up… 757 dollars later… he said, "That was a brave thing you did."

"What? Completely humiliating myself looking for a woman who tried to shoot me or completely humiliating myself when said ad went viral to the whole damn world?"

"Yeah, that happened, but you put yourself out there. Chicks dig that. It was a grand gesture. I mean, I am just a nobody working at a cell phone store but I think it showed bravery. Just thought you should know that." He handed me my bag and a card. "Anyway, here you go. Your phone is in the bag and your new number is on the back of the card." He flipped over the card. "And my number should you need me, is on the front. I hope everything works out for you."

For the first time that day, I genuinely smiled. "Thanks," I looked at the card. "Peter."

 *****OPMC*****

As I pulled onto my street, I thought maybe my day could be turned around. I just needed to adopt a positive attitude about the whole situation.

I slammed on the brakes, when I realized that there two unfamiliar cars parked on the street in front of my house. Both with letters on the side advertising two news outlets from the area. Fuck me.

I decided to go in from the back of my house so I eased around the block and parked my car outside of Mrs. Denali's house. She was out of town visiting her daughter, Kate, so I knew she wouldn't mind. I was helping water her plants when she was gone. I walked through her backyard, entered mine then unlocked my back door, easing inside.

I slumped against the closed back door. What the hell was I going to do to make this go away.

"Hey, Bro. Did you know there are reporters outside?"

My eyes snapped open.

"You are fucking dead." I growled.

Emmett ignored me and rambled over to my fridge. He rummaged inside for a minute and came out with the makings for sandwiches.

"I didn't make you put the ad up. You agreed. And yes, I am making fun of you. It's what brothers do but I feel bad and I'll stop."

I looked at him suspiciously.

"Scout's honor." He promised, putting up three fingers.

"You were a scout for two days, Emmett, then they told Mom you weren't a good fit because he kept pantsing everyone, including the Scout leader."

Emmett grinned. "Good times."

I crashed into a kitchen chair and put my hands in my hair and tugged.

"This whole thing was a horrible idea. I should've just left it alone." I groaned.

Emmett placed my laptop in front of me. It was open to my email. I glared at him. "You said you would stop!"

"You had had the same email and password variation for ten years, Edward. It wasn't that hard. Now, look at it."

I glanced briefly at my inbox.

"What am I looking for?"

He sighed impatiently and clicked the mouse a couple of times.

"This. Dude, she answered. Annie Oakley answered you."

 **See, Emmett isn't that bad. Stop hating on him. Hims got feelings too…**


	8. Chapter 8

**I know, I know. I lost inspiration. You try living with an asshole and see how much you want to write romance and humor.**

 **And y'all, stop hating on my Emmett. I have plans for him.**

 **OPMC Chapter 8**

 **BPOV**

 **Morning of Jan 13, 2017**

I hum the Rocky theme song as I chase the viral links that I have been assigned.

 _Dead 'B list' actor whose name no one remembers._

 _Cute proposal._

 _Baby with an obscene amount of hair- that can not be real._

 _Baby who is sixteen pounds – holy shit, I am never having kids!_

 _Another cute proposal._

 _Gender reveal with a mom with six boys – why is she having another one? Oh, it's a girl this time. Still, seven kids?!_

 _Pregnancy announcement. What's with all the pregnancy and babies this week?_

 _Girl pulls gun on guy and he tries to find her. Oh. This again?_

I lean back into my couch and sigh. I look at the date in the lower right-hand corner of PPE's screen.

 _1/13/2017_

I still had like ten hours before I had to be there. Why did I agree to this again?

Oh, yeah. I needed to apologize in person for pulling my firearm on a helpless, slightly inebriated gentleman and making him defecate his clothing when all he was trying to do was see my eye color. Those were Charlie's words.

Or in my own words, I had to go begrudgingly apologize for pulling Angelina on a drunk stalker who followed me out into a dark empty parking lot and making him shit his pants.

What? They both worked.

After I had shot down both Rose and Alice, they had backed off. I should have been suspicious then. It wasn't until Charlie had arrived the evening after their visit and did a spiel about how he had raised me better than that, that I knew they had tattled on me.

I still wouldn't budge. I was a grown, after all. I was independent. I was woman, hear me roar.

My smug look after he agreed with me on all those points was immediately wiped off as he informed me as the police chief of our great town, he could legally confiscate Angelina for the unlawful something something with a firearm and if I wanted to pursue it, he could legally arrest me.

I am a woman, alright… one who looks horrid in orange. And I had watched that show. I knew about women's prisons and I was about that life.

 _And that is the story of how my life got flipped- turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of town called Bel Air._

Sorry, I digress.

That is the story of how I ended up responding to Edward C. Cullen's missed connections ad, after I made a new email address. He wasn't getting my real one.

My response went something like this.

 _Hi, I'm 'Annie'. I hesitate to give you my real name for fear that you might stalk me and find out where I live. I'm kidding. I think. I must say that it takes balls for you to publicly admit what happened and I am sort of flattered that despite all that you want to get to know me. I mean, I pulled a gun on you. Where is your sense of self preservation, Man? Don't you know I could have killed you? Or I could be a serial killer. Did you think of that? Maybe I am luring you into my lair for me to torture and have you put lotion on the skin before it gets the hose again and wear your skin as a skin suit while tucking my penis between my legs. Wait, I don't have a penis. Never mind about that last part._

 _My point is- and I do have one- is what the hell are you thinking? Why me? You are a very handsome man and I am sure you could do so much better than a neurotic writer who pulls guns on people and enjoys it. You should run while you can._

 _But in the event, you do not run, I will be there on the 13_ _th_ _._

 _Annie_

His response was simple.

 _Dear Annie,_

 _I see you like movies and have a delightful imagination. I didn't get the sense you were a serial killer and I am on the lanky side and do not have much skin to spare so no hope there. I didn't think you had a penis but it is a relief to have that confirmed before this goes anywhere. That could be awkward if this relationship progresses further._

 _And I am thinking that with you, I like neurotic. And thank you for thinking I'm handsome but as far as better than you- I don't think that's possible._

 _I'll see you on the 13_ _th_ _. I'll have my glasses on this time._

 _Edward_

Well, isn't he a charmer, I thought as I reread his response. I looked at the time again and sighed. Nine hours to go.

 ***** OMPC*****

I looked at myself in Myrtle's rearview mirror one last time. I sighed at my reflection. I was gonna get dolled up but then I thought- why bother? The man has seen me at my worst and still wants to meet me. I glanced at the building. The bar looked immensely busy. Must be one hell of a happy hour.

I got out of my truck and slowly walked towards the crowd. I hated crowds. I pushed my way through and once inside, looked for Edward.

There he was- at the table I had sat at that night with Rose and Alice. His head was down and I could see that his face was red. I hope he wasn't sick. That's the last thing I needed.

I took a deep breath and made my way over to him. I stood there at the table waiting for him to notice me but he kept his head down.

Then he spoke.

"Yes, I'm the Edward Cullen who crapped his pants. Can you leave now?"

I was confused until I realized that all eyes were on him. It was crowded because they wanted to watch the spectacle of whether or not I would show. Because he put himself out there for all to see and gawk and ridicule. To find _me_.

"I know. I'm the one who made you crap your pants," I said gently.

He looked up then and this beatific smile crossed his face.

"Hi," he breathed.

"Hi."

I put out my hand to him. "I'm Bella Swan."

He took it and shook it oh-so-gently. "Edward Cullen."

I slipped my hand out of his grasp and sat next to him. The place went completely silent as all was focused on us. Edward started to look uncomfortable again. I wasn't having that.

I slowly and boldly met the gazes. "Can I help you?" I asked, rudely.

No one moved.

"Mind your own fucking business before I go get my gun." I threatened.

Everyone then had something else to look at and it got loud again.

The waitress came to get my order. "Malibu Pineapple. A double." She nodded then looked at Edward.

"I'll stick to water, thanks."

She left and I laughed. "No alcohol tonight?"

"No, I prefer to stay sober. I'm down one pair of underwear." He joked.

"Oh, that reminds me!" I dug around in my purse and pulled out the package. "I have something for you."

He took it and opened it, laughing long and loud at the contents. He pulled out the Ellen underwear.

"I guessed at your size but they are so comfortable and I figured it was the least I could do for everything." I gestured to the crowd.

"I did that to myself. Well, it was Emmett's idea but I was desperate to find you so I went along with it not knowing it would go viral. It seems I can't go anywhere these days without someone realizing who I am."

"Emmett?"

"My brother. He's crazy and loud and obnoxious to the max but he means well."

"I have a friend like that."

"The blonde or the brunette?"

Oh right, he had seen them that night. "The blonde. Rose."

"Maybe we should introduce them," he suggested.

"Maybe. Let's just focus on this right now. It's almost too much for me to wrap my head around."

Our drinks came out and we chatted about inconsequential things but I noticed he was easily distracted at people coming by gawking at us.

"Why don't we go to the parking lot?"

His expression became one of horror and his eyes widened.

"Not the parking lot!" He gasped, but I could see the mirth in his green eyes. I slapped playfully at his arm.

"Angelina is at home, thank you very much. Now do you want to get out of here or not?"

"Okay," he agreed, though he looked disappointed.

I stood up and extended my hand which he took and I led us out of The Damn Bar and out to the 'scene of the crime".

He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "I don't like crowds," he explained.

"Neither do I."

He walked me to my truck and stood there awkwardly. Finally he spoke.

"I hope we can do this again sometime."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Let me clarify. I wanted to get out there, I didn't want to leave your company. There's a diner a few miles down the road. It should be quiet this time of night. Meet me there?"

His answering smile took my breath away. This man wasn't just handsome, he was mind-blowingly gorgeous.

"I'd like that very much."

I bit my lip and looked down at the ground for a moment to recollect my thoughts. His stare was so expressive, so open and so full of happiness that I wanted to spend more time with him that I had trouble forming thoughts let alone words.

"Okay. Follow me?"

He nodded in answer and I watched him jog to his car. I got in mine and led the way to the diner.

As I saw his headlights in my rear view mirror- the same mirror where I was questioning everything earlier that night- I got to thinking that maybe – just maybe- this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

 **Edward is up next. I don't know when but hopefully this week.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Yeah, I suck. I know this. But rest assured that although there may be a few weeks here and there between chapters, I will not abandon or put this on hiatus. It will be finished. Just have some patience, please and thank you.**

 **Now, let's get on with this meeting.**

 **OPMC Chapter 9**

 **EPOV**

I watched in amazement as Annie… _Bella_ … devoured her food. Most girls I dated barely picked at their food for fear that I would think they didn't watch their weight or they worried about bad breath or they would come off looking less than desirable.

Bella obviously had _no_ such fears.

When we settled into the booth in the corner – Bella proclaimed it was the best booth- I was worried this would be awkward. And it was awkward but a comfortable awkward if that makes sense. I think it is because Bella herself is awkward or at least that is what she told me.

When the waitress asked for our order, I just assumed we would be getting coffee. So that is what I ordered. Bella gave me a weird look then dove into her order that included a double bacon cheeseburger, cheesy curly fries, a strawberry milkshake and a Coke. The waitress didn't bat an eye which I assumed was because Bella frequented this joint. However, the waitress did ask me if I wanted to amend my own order of just coffee because as she explained, I might be here a while waiting for Bella to eat.

I ordered a grilled chicken salad with ranch dressing on the side and a water.

I know now that the waitress was wrong. Bella had scarfed down most of her supper already and I still had most of my salad on my plate.

Finally, Bella pushed her empty plate away, wiped her hands on her napkin and settled back with her milkshake as dessert.

"Aren't you hungry?" She asked, gesturing to my plate.

"Not really, no. I ate before I left for the bar tonight." Which was true.

She eyed me then eyed my plate.

She set her milkshake aside then pulled my plate towards her and started eating it.

Does she have a tapeworm? Because Bella is a pretty slender girl and she doesn't seem the sort to work out so where the hell does all the food go?

"I have a high metabolism."

I blinked at her, confused.

"You said all that out loud," she informed.

"Oh. Sorry. "I cleared my throat in embarrassment. Can I go one minute without making a fool of myself in front of this woman?

She laughed. "It's fine, Edward. My father asks me that a lot as well. Always says he didn't need a boy in the house with me eating like one."

"What does your father do?" I asked, settling back with my coffee, intent on getting to know her.

"He's the Police Chief of Forks."

"Charlie Swan is your father?" Well, I'll be damned.

"Yeah, you know him?"

"He really went to bat for me at my last parole hearing. Great guy, your dad." See, I could do sarcasm too.

Her eyes widened then narrowed as she looked me up and down. I concentrated on keeping a straight face.

"I call bullshit."

I grinned. "Yeah, I'm too straight laced for that. I helped the department set up their new computer system last year. Your father doesn't know much about technology, does he?"

"God, no. He'd write it all out by hand if he could. Says he repels technology."

"I believe it," I laughed.

"So, it that what you do? Computers?" She asked.

"Yeah, I always had an affinity for fixing and setting up electronics so I made it by career. You?"

"Well, I know how to turn one on, which is more than my dad can do, so…" She shrugged. "No, really. I'm not exactly computer savvy but I can get my work done."

"Which is…" I prompt.

"You know those articles that appear on the internet especially social media that just have a little blurb then you click on it and it's about some viral video or article or what not that doesn't amount to a hill of beans?"

"Yeah?"

"That's me. Well, some of it anyway. I write the blurbs and most of the time articles with my opinion on the subject. For instance, there was this guy who wrote a missed connection ad on Craigslist about some girl trying to kill him for stupidly following her out to a dark, empty parking lot and well, you know the rest."

I feel fire seeping into my cheeks and I find it impossible to meet her eyes.

"You… um… had to write about that?" I clear my throat and wish for the thousandth time this month for a hole to appear.

"Yeah. Hey. Look at me," she softly demands.

I do as she asks because… well, it's Bella.

"I'm not going to lie and say I don't think you're crazy for seeking me out. It's certifiably nuts, but I'm glad you did. This is nice. _You're_ nice. I guess I just want to know where do you want to go from here?"

I thought about that for a minute.

"I don't really know. Look, I'm just going to put myself out there, okay? And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't run away until I'm done. Deal?"

She nods.

"I've been single for a while now and I've dated around looking for someone I felt a connection with. All I found was vapid women who were concerned with money or looks or money and looks. Eating salads with no dressing, taking selfies while I was trying to get to know them, not being able to hold an intelligent conversation and no, I don't count knowing what happened on Keeping Up with The Kardashians as intelligent conversation."

"Damn, I love that show," she murmured.

"You do?"

"Hell, no," she scoffed. "Sorry, you were saying?"

"So, I had all but given up on meeting anyone until one night I was forced in going out with my brother and a friend. And across the room, I saw you. Well, I tried to see you but I had a vain moment and left my glasses in the car which is why I followed you. Well, that and few beers. But I digress. My point is, I felt a connection with you that I haven't felt with anyone in a long time and I couldn't let that go. That's why I tried to find you. And now, here we are."

She just looked at me.

"Okay, I'm finished so you can run if you want. I won't take out another ad, I promise."

She sighed.

"My last relationship was a couple of years ago so I'm a little rusty at all this. I'm good at being alone. I rarely leave my house. I work from home. I live in a messy one bedroom with my cat, who I talk to like she's human. I have every restaurant that delivers on speed dial. I have my dad, two friends and my boss that I talk to regularly. You seem like a settled guy who knows who he is and what he wants. I'm about as far from settled as it gets. I don't know who I am or what I want."

I nodded, disappointed.

"I appreciate your honesty and I under…"

"That being said," she spoke over me, "I like you and I like that you wanted to find me. No one has ever made an effort like that with me. Okay, at first I thought you were a fucking lunatic but now that I have spent some time with you, I still think you are a fucking lunatic but I'm willing to see where this goes, if you'd like."

"Really? You're not just saying that because you feel sorry for me?"

"Oh no, I feel sorry for you. I'm a spastic handful. You have _no_ idea what you are getting into."

"So, how do you want to do this?" I swear I feel like bouncing up and down in my seat.

"Well, first you can buy me dessert. They have a wonderful apple pie ala mode. After that, well… we can just take it one step at a time."

"Okay, I can do that. Apple pie ala mode and baby steps. I'm afraid our time might be limited though."

"Why's that?"

"I'm going to have to take a second job just to be able to feed you." I teased.

She rolled her eyes. "Just order the damn pie."

I laughed as I flagged down our waitress.

"One apple pie ala mode with two forks, please."

We sat there another hour finishing our pie and talking about a whole lot of nothing but I have to say I enjoyed that more than any other date I've ever been on. When the check came, I grabbed it.

"Jesus Christ, there goes my mortgage. Maybe I'll find a job on Craigslist," I joked, as I reached for my wallet.

She just gathered her jacket and purse while rolling her eyes.

I paid then walked her to her behemoth truck. "Exactly how old is this thing?"

"Myrtle is vintage not old."

"Myrtle?"

"Yeah, I… um… name things. Personify them. It's a quirk that I am told is most annoying by everyone in my life."

"What else have you named?"

"Okay, well… Angelina is my gun because she's sleek and sexy. Myrtle because it was a popular name back when my truck was made. My pepper spray is Jose Jalapeño because a jalapeño will make your eyes water. My laptop is purple so I call it the Purple People Eater or PPE for short. Things like that." She cleared her throat. "So, yeah."

"That's… adorable." I smile widely. "You're adorable."

"Yeah?" She asks, almost shyly. "You don't find me annoying?"

I lean closer to her. "The only thing I find annoying is the fact that I have to leave you right now."

She bridges the gap between us until her lips are a few inches from mine.

"Hmmm. Well, there's always tomorrow," she murmurs.

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'll cook… er… order take out for us. You can meet my cat." She giggles. God, I love that sound.

"It's a date."

"Edward?"

"Bella?"

"Kiss me," she demands.

Believe me when I tell you that even without her holding a gun to me, I will still follow her orders…


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for all the love. I am working on TAP after this and it should be up by Friday at the latest… I hope.**

 **Remember, I do shortish chapters and that isn't likely to change anytime soon. Like I just cranked this out in an hour. Hopefully, it doesn't suck. And if it does, I am sure someone will tell me…**

 **Y'all, after reading this go check out Highlander Princess's The Blessing. It just completed and it is so amazing. Tell Lizzie Bitter Harpy sent you. She also started Scream Queens and at only two chapters in, I can see it is going to be a wild ride, so buckle up. And she updates at the speed of vampires so you won't have to wait like you do with me. Show off…**

 **OMPC Chapter 10**

 **Bella's POV**

I sniffed last week's Combo fried rice and sighed. I threw it in the trash with the rest of my take-out boxes. My fridge looked bare, its only belongings now being a twelve pack of Coke and various condiments. I don't see how other people manage to adult sometimes. They manage to grocery shop, clean their houses and go to work. Some even manage to raise tiny humans without screwing them up.

I obviously was not this sort of person.

I sighed again and moved to the contents of my cabinet, throwing out staples well past their prime. The only things really fresh in my kitchen was Tanya's cat food.

As if she knew I was thinking about her, she rubbed against my ankles and meowed loudly.

"You just ate, Bitch."

She nipped my ankle and ran off when I tried reaching for her. "Just for that, you don't get dinner!" I yelled after her. Yeah, right. She was relentless when it came to her food. Just like me.

I finished throwing everything out and after sweeping and mopping, I was done.

One room down, four more to go.

I was on my knees cleaning out from under my couch because… well, Tanya… when I was startled by Charlie's voice.

"Did you lose something?"

I looked over my shoulder. "Yeah, my mind."

"You won't find it under there but apparently there were eight… no, ten… empty cans of cat food and a lot of toilet paper." His mustache twitched as he tried to hide his smile.

"I knew I wasn't using that much shit paper." I settled in front of the couch and looked up at my dad.

"What is all this?" He asked, looking around at more chaos then he usually found at my apartment.

"Spring cleaning."

"It's January." He sat on the chair opposite me and stretched out his legs.

"Okay, so you know how I went to meet that guy and apologize to him for… well, you know?"

"Yeah."

"Well, we hit it off and he's coming over tonight for dinner."

"So, you're cleaning," he stated.

"Yes."

"And cooking for him?" He looked alarmed at that prospect. "I thought you said you two hit it off?"

"Ha. Ha. No, I was just going to order Bella Italia and go pick it up."

He visibly relaxed as I rolled my eyes.

"You know how some women are just destined to be domestically inclined?" He asked.

"Yeah?"

"You are _not_ one of those women. You are a walking Pinterest fail and I say that with all the love I have in my heart."

"What the hell do you know about Pinterest?"

Get this. My dad- my gruffly adorable, larger than life, police chief father- blushed.

"Charlie?"

"Sue has a thing on it and she showed it to me one day during some down time at the office."

Sue was Dad's secretary and one of the town's two dispatchers. Her husband died about five years ago but this was still a new development for me.

"A board. She has a Pinterest board. And why did she show it to you, in particular?"

"She was showing me some recipes and… we weren't talking about me."

"We are now."

He cleared his throat. "So, you and this Edward hit it off, did you?"

"Oh, yeah. That reminds me, Chief. When were you going to let me in on the fact that you know this guy?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You knew who he was the whole time, didn't you? And that's why you demanded I go 'apologize' to him."

He looked at me like he was trying to make a decision and finally after some time, he blew out a breath.

"Okay, look. Yes, I knew who he was once I read the ad. He's a good man- very polite and respectful. He makes a decent living and comes from a good family. He's also not bad looking according to the gals down at the station. You could do worse."

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because I knew you would talk yourself out of it. And I want this for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to find a good man. I want you to get married. And damnit, I want grandbabies one day."

"What if…"

He held up his hand and I shut up.

"But if it turns out you are happier on your own, without a husband or children, that's fine too. But I don't want it to be because you never put yourself out there and tried. I want you to explore all options before you just default to one. I never remarried after your mother because she ripped my heart out. I have wasted so many years hung up on that woman that for the last three years, I didn't know that Sue was coming on to me. Finally, she cornered me in my office a couple of months ago and told me to shit or get off the pot. Said she would go out with Billy Black if I didn't make a move and it just ain't right using my best friend against me like that but it was effective. Damn women."

My eyes stayed wide throughout that whole tirade. That is the most my dad has said since he caught me sneaking out my junior year of high school.

"So, let me get this straight. How I decide to live my life is okay with you as long as I explore all options and you're dating Sue Clearwater now."

"That's about right."

"Okay, so I love that we are like bonding here but I gotta finish cleaning."

"I'll help. But we are not cleaning your bedroom."

"Why the hell not?"

"If it's dirty you are less likely to take him in there at the end of your date."

I pause shoving random shit in my linen closet and study my father.

"So essentially you are cock blocking me my refusing to help me clean my room. I thought I was to explore _all_ options."

"You can explore _those_ options after a respectable length of time has passed," was his gruff answer.

"And just how long did you wait to explore your options with Sue?" I teased.

"I am not talking about… _that_ … with you. I mean, do you really want that image burned into your mind?"

"Oh. Eww. No." I shuddered. "Let's just clean, okay? No more talking."

"Agreed."

We finished in record time especially after we cranked up the Classics on my iPod. I don't remember ever having this much fun with my dad. He did however help me clean my room after all was said and done. His parting words to me were "I hope you will be safe." Yeah, Dad, we have already had that talk and I was not revisiting that awkwardness ever again.

I showered and changed into nicer clothes and hopped into Myrtle to pick up dinner. I got back home with thirty minutes to spare. I put Tanya in the bathroom because she didn't like people. I wanted him to come back so springing Tanya on him was probably not a good idea. Maybe on the third date. That seems to be the answer for any relationship- the magical third date. Have sex, introduce your crazy cat…

I didn't have time until now to become nervous but as soon as the doorbell rang, _I was afraid. I was petrified. Thinking I couldn't live without you by my side…_

Okay, Gloria Gaynor, simmer down. Now was not the time for my crazy to come out. Again, maybe after the third date.

Crap. This is technically the second date. So, that means everything is supposed to magically change next time? Along with the maybe sex and introduction of your bitchy cat, you also introduce your crazy and hope the person doesn't mind?

I can't do this.

The doorbell rang again. "Bella?" His voice gently questioned through the door.

His voice calmed me instantly. I could do this. I could be a girl who dated this great guy and maybe once I showed all of me, he wouldn't run away like the other one did.

"I _can_ do this." I whispered to myself.

I walked over and opened the door.

I _am_ doing this.


	11. Chapter 11

**Real life, Y'all. As I explained on TAP, my daughter moved, my aunt died and my co worker quit leaving me and my sister with ALOT of work at work so it's been fun- insert sarcasm. But as I have always assured y'all, I don't abandon my stories so here I am. I hope you enjoy.**

 **I haven't had a whole lot of energy for writing but I have been able to read here and there so here are some recs for y'all.**

 **What Have We Done by ladylibre is finishing up. It's my first Rose centric fic and I adore it and the writer who is such a blessing to me.**

 **Pinky Promises by CiaraShayee. Very dark theme so I have to leave it and come back at times but I'm enjoying it. Very unique story.**

 **Secrets and Wishes by Carano- no more needs to be said. It's carano.**

 **I Dare You by areao- the same writer who brought us Work In Progress. MEAT SWEATS!**

 **Born on Halloween just finished A Big Enough Umbrella so that is next on my TBR list. Kaye is such an amazingly strong woman.**

 **That should keep you busy until my next update.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **OPMC Chapter 11**

 **EPOV**

I patiently wait outside for her to open the door. I can tell even without seeing her that she is so skittish. I know it's not me, per say. I'm not at all intimidating. At least, I don't think I am. After all, she's the one with the gun…

The door finally opens and she smiles shyly at me. I return it with one of my own.

"Hi."

"Hi," I grin at her. Again, I wait patiently.

"Oh! Come in!" She opens the door wider and takes a step back.

I pause and her gaze becomes confused.

"Are you comfortable with this? Because if not, we can go to a public place like last time and just talk and I'll let you eat all my food."

She giggles and I see her whole body relax. "No, this is fine. I promise. I'm just a spaz sometimes."

I walk past her and get a good look at her small but surprisingly tidy apartment. "I thought you said you were messy."

She shuts the door and makes her way into the kitchen and gets some dishes and cutlery out. "Oh, I am. I cleaned just for you but don't get used to it," she winks and smiles.

"Do you need any help?" I ask.

She stirs something that smells amazing on the stove and points to the dishes with her sauce covered spoon, making its contents splatter the stove and counter. "Shit!"

I try to stifle a laugh but a snort comes out anyway. She is just too damn adorable.

She playfully narrows her brown eyes at me as she grabs a towel and wipes up her mess. "Just set the table and sit down."

"Yes, ma'am," I salute her as I grab all the necessary items and put them on her small table. "What's to drink?" I ask as I make my way over to and open her… very sparse fridge. "Okay, now I know you eat so did you go on a food binge?"

"Yes, I eat… take out, remember? I can't cook for shit."

I make my eyes widen comically. "And you're cooking for me? And here I thought you liked me."

"This, too, is take out. Now grab that wine and come sit down. It's ready."

We fix our plates and settle in to eat.

"Bella Italia. My favorite," I smile as I tuck in.

"Mine, too. Sucks they don't deliver so I basically live on Chinese and Pizza. Sometimes I wish I could cook. It would be much cheaper."

"I can teach you. If you want that is." I offer.

"You can cook?" She asks, her eyes disbelieving.

"Why is that so surprising?"

"You're a guy."

"Yes, I am. But I'm a guy whose mother taught both of her boys to cook and clean. It's like she knew we'd be bachelors for most of our lives," I tease.

"I lived with my father for most of my formative years and he doesn't cook or clean either. He hired a cleaning lady once he realized I was useless in that area, but he did teach me how to handle firearms."

"Something I am quite grateful for."

She blushes and I grin.

"Tell me about your family."

"Well, my mother, Esme, is a stay at home mom who dabbles in everything from knitting to painting to pottery… if it's creative, she's done it. She considers herself an interior decorator but she's horrible at it. Don't tell her I said that. My father is a doctor in Port Angeles. And I've told you about Emmett. I know about your dad but what about your mom?"

Bella looks uncomfortable but she smiles at me.

"Renee is… Renee," she shrugs. "Immature, irresponsible, unreliable but a whole hell of a lot of fun. However, fun doesn't pay the bills or keep a roof over your head and I was tired of the revolving door of men all the time so I moved in with my dad when I was eleven. I see Renee about once a year and I get Christmas cards in February. It is what it is."

I immediately feel bad for child Bella but am immensely grateful that those events led her to Forks.

"Is your dad dating anyone?" I ask, trying for an innocent tone but her eyes narrow at me.

"Who told you?"

I laugh. "No one but when I was hooking up his computer system, his secretary wouldn't take her eyes off his ass… or his crotch."

"That's disgusting," she whispers. "Dude, that's my dad!"

"I'm sorry. I'll stop. Where's your bathroom?"

"It's broken. You'll have to use the back yard," she winces in apology.

"Seriously?" I mean, I'm a guy so that's not exactly a problem but I wasn't looking forward to whipping my junk out in a public setting.

"No, not seriously. It's down the hall, first door to the right."

I roll my eyes at her playfully then walk to my destination. As I'm opening the door I hear, "Shit! No, wait!"

Too late. Suddenly I am face to face with a snarling, hissing, howling feline. I throw myself into the opposite wall trying to get away when I feel a whoosh and then silence. I peek open my eyes and put down my hands hesitantly.

Bella is holding the hell cat and is giving it a good talking to. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Tanya? Can't you see I have a guest? I should drop you off at the nearest Chinese restaurant!"

'Meow!'

"Don't you back talk you, you Bitch, or I'll starve your fat ass."

She walks past me to the door next to where I'm cowering and throws Tanya in the room.

"I'm so sorry. I totally forgot I put her in there for the evening."

"What the hell is that thing?"

"That's Tanya, my cat. She's jealous. I think she likes you though."

"I'm not quite sure how you came to that conclusion."

"Easy. She didn't draw blood. The bathroom's free now."

I watch as she sashays back to the kitchen then glance quickly at the door that protects me from that she beast before entering the bathroom.

When I come out, I rejoin Bella but now she's on the couch. I settle in next to her.

"How long have you had the she b… I mean, Tanya?"

"A few years. I know she's temperamental, but she'll come around. She stopped doing that to Rose after a year."

"Maybe I should introduce Emmett to her…"

"Rose or Tanya?"

"Is there a difference?" I joke.

"Well, Tanya's a feline but other than that… no. Both are mouthy, opinionated and think they are always right."

I nod to the television. "What's on the agenda for movie night?"

She holds up a few DVDs that are sitting beside her. "Well, I have The Notebook, P.S. I Love You or Titanic."

I try to keep my features schooled but I am not really a 'chick flick' sort of guy. Emmett, however, loves them.

Bella starts giggling that giggle that I love. "You should see your face! I borrowed these from Alice. I don't watch that crap." She throws them aside carelessly then bounds over to her entertainment center and bends over rooting around for something. I'm a guy so I look which she catches because once again, I am not fast enough. My reflexes were never this slow before I knew her.

She smirks as she holds up more choices. "I have the Die Hard trilogy, The Lethal Weapon movies and Bad Boys."

"What's with you and violence?"

She shrugs. "They're all cop movies and I was raised by one. I grew up watching these movies."

She has a point.

"Die Hard. I'm a Bruce Willis fan and I don't want to see Mel Gipson's ass."

She sighs. "Buzzkill but fine." She loads the DVD in then pops to the kitchen for some bottled waters, throwing one casually to me.

I'd like to say that I was enthralled by the movie but I never see the screen. I watch her watching the movies and somewhere along the way, she catches me, crooks her finger at me and we snuggle- not really a guy thing, I know but I like it- and by the time of the iconic 'yippee kai yay mother fucker', she's under me and my lips are on hers. By the time we finish the DVD screen is back on the menu and we are panting heavily with several feet between us.

"I cleaned my room," she blurts.

"That's wonderful?"

"Yeah, I never really clean it, clean it. It's usually a mess."

I stay quiet because it seems she has something to stay.

"Charlie wanted me to leave it a mess so I wouldn't take you in there and fuck you senseless."

I cough and then shift a little cause that image… I like it.

"But then he helped me clean it even though he knew I might do that."

Well, that took care of that.

"But as much as I want that, I'm not ready." She keeps her eyes downcast as she says this like she's afraid of my disappointment.

"Hey," I say gently, letting my finger gently lift her head up so she's seeing me. "I'm not ready either."

She looks down pointedly at my lap and I laugh.

"He's always ready. He forgets he's attached to a level headed guy who would never coerce a beautiful woman to do something she doesn't want to."

"Yeah?"

"We just met, Bella. And I think you are the most amazing woman I have ever met. But I don't want this to move so fast that it burns out quickly. I want to build on a stable foundation that will hopefully last for a long, long time. If you want to, that is."

She breathes out a laugh. "Yeah. Yes. That sounds great."

"Great. So, we can go out and make out and do whatever you are comfortable with and you don't worry about me… or him. He'll be fine. _I'll_ be fine."

She leans over and kisses me ever so gently, her eyes shining with some happy emotion I can't yet identify, but hopefully will as we get to know each other.

"So, I've met your father but I want to meet him again in a couple capacity, but until we can arrange that, how do you feel about accompanying me to my parent's house tomorrow? We have brunch every Sunday. Now, my mom can't decorate worth shit but she can cook, so if you can ignore the eclectic décor, you are in for a real treat. Or we can wait until you know for sure how fantastic I am and want to thank my parents for raising such an awesome guy. Your choice."

"You like yourself just a little too much, don't you?"

"Most of it's an act but fake it til you make it, right?"

"I'd love to go because I already think you are a fantastic and awesome guy. And a girl has to eat, so I'm in."

"Okay, I'll pick you up at ten thirty." I stand up but she pulls me back down, selecting the next Die Hard movie.

"It's barely nine so unless you just have to go, I'm not ready for this night to end yet."

I can't help myself, I grin from ear to ear. "I might turn into a pumpkin at midnight," I warn her.

"I turn into a Gremlin, myself." She leans closer to me.

"I'll make sure not to feed you after midnight or get you wet," I tease.

"Edward." Closer.

"Bella." Closer still.

"I'm already wet," she whispers as she pulls me back down on her.

We don't come back up for air for half an hour.

Best night of my life so far.

 **Next up, Bella meets the Cullens.**


	12. Chapter 12

**So, I usually post an OPMC update then work on a TAP update but this Bella was talking to me and the other wasn't. What's a girl to do?**

 **This is not beta'd so any mistakes are mine as per usual. I focus on the story and the banner not grammar and punctuation but I do try my best. *shrugs***

 **Enjoy!**

 **OPMC Chapter 12**

 **BPOV**

I wrap my towel tighter around me as I look into my closet hoping that something will magically manifest into a proper brunch outfit. Wait, what exactly constitutes a brunch outfit? It sounds fancy.

I have two dresses- my old prom dress from almost a decade ago and some girly white eyelet lace number that Alice shoved into my closet a couple of years ago. I eye it warily. White and I do not get along, especially when there is food involved. But sparkly blue ruffles probably won't work either so I grab the eyelet and throw it on the bed. I add a short brown corduroy jacket thingee and my wedges, cringing at the thought of how cold my legs and feet will be.

After a quick blow out and some makeup, I don the outfit. I spritz on some body spray and that is as good as it's gonna get, Ladies and Gentlemen.

There is a knock at my door ten minutes later and I pull the door open enthusiastically, ready to throw myself at my gorgeous guy friend but instead I freeze… and then frown.

"Why are you in jeans and flannel?"

He looks down at himself. "Because it's cold outside. Why are you wearing a dress? I mean, you look crazy sexy but you're gonna freeze."

"I'm trying to impress your family."

He throws back his head and laughs. "Oh Bella, my parents will probably still be in their pajamas. Their _flannel_ pajamas."

I scrunch up my nose. "Flannel isn't fancy."

"It's the Pacific Northwest. Flannel is practically formal wear here. Now, you can wear that if you want but I don't want you to be anyone but you today. So…"

I'm gone before he finishes his sentence, kicking off my shoes in cadence with his chuckle. I put on my good jeans – the ones I wore the night I met him- and a tank with a flannel shirt for good measure. He smiles at me, mirth in his eyes as I sit on the couch and tie my chucks. I grab my purse and join him where he is leaning against my door frame. He has his glasses on today and he is so damn hot, I want to jump him and drag him to my room.

Waiting sucks.

He opens the door to his car for me and I marvel at its spotlessness. He doesn't want to get in my truck; he'd probably have a coronary. I lean back in the leather seats as he fiddles with the radio dials.

"I'm a little nervous." I admit.

He glances at me out of his peripheral. "Why? I told you they're great."

"I know. I've only ever gotten to the meet the parents stage twice in my life and both times I could tell I wasn't the type of girl they wanted for their sons." I shrug. It hurt at the time but I'm not going to change who I am for a guy.

"What? The hot, sexy, kind, funny type?" He asks.

I smile. He really is so sweet. "No, I think it was more the unambitious, work from home, messy, weirdo type they objected to."

I can see his eyes narrow. "Their loss. I think you're perfect."

Okay, I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman but not gonna lie, I melt in those butter soft leather seats at his words. I even blush which is so not like me.

What is this guy doing to me?

So, what do I do? I change the subject.

"So, what should I expect today?"

Luckily, he flows with it.

"Lots of food, squealing because I told my mom you were coming, loudness from Emmett. My dad thinks he's funny but he's the only one. Just a normal Cullen family get together. I think you'll fit right in."

I hope so.

Thirty minutes finally finds us at a subdivision peppered with mansion-like homes. Coming from a very modest two story in Forks in which I grew up in, I find this to be a little overwhelming.

He stops at a moderate sized two-story home and pulls into the driveway parking behind a Jeep Wrangler.

"Emmett's here. I was hoping to beat him but when it comes to food, he's always early." He takes a deep breath. "Let's do this."

"Are you nervous?" I ask.

He looks at me so adorably.

"Yeah. We fit pretty good, I think but my family is really important to me and I want them to fit with you, too."

It doesn't escape my notice how he said he wanted them to fit with me and not the other way around. He doesn't want me to conform to them but rather hopes we all fit together.

I'm so glad I didn't shoot him.

"Let's go."

He comes around to my side of the car and opens the door for me extending his hand. I allow him to pull me gently out of the car and then we face his childhood home together.

The first thing I notice is shouting. The second thing is that the entire house is still decked out in Christmas lights. I'm talking Griswald's Christmas Vacation here with the electric meter spinning like Linda Blair's head in the Exorcist. Now, back to the shouting. I spy with my little eye a petite woman with Edward's hair shouting at an overweight, red faced man who doesn't resemble Edward at all.

"Is that your parents?"

"Well, that's my mom but that man is their neighbor, Wilbur."

"Unfortunate name. Why is he yelling at your mother?" And why isn't he coming to her aid, I wonder.

"This is a daily occurrence at Casa de la Cullen." He looks amused as he pulls me forward. I can hear the conversation more clearly now.

"I want these lights down today! Those damn things shine in every orifice of my house! They scare my poor Snookums. This goes against the Home Owner Association rules! I will report you!"

"Bitch, please. First of all, your damn dog is blind and can't see shit. Secondly, at last one of your orifices is seeing action. And lastly, fuck the HOA. I pay my fees, same as you. What are they going to do to me? Send Old Man Johnson down to fine me? All it takes is a low-cut robe and a chocolate cake and he's putty in my hands, the old perv. Now, take your ass home before I call the cops!"

He sputters and snarls some more before turning around and storming across the yard to his house.

She smiles in wicked satisfaction then spots us. Her smile grows wider as she practically runs towards us. She hugs her son quickly then turns to me.

"I do hope that little tiff didn't scare you off," she bites her lip in worry.

"I think I just fell in love with you, actually," I breathe out. "Like I want to be you when I grow up."

She smiles from ear to ear then jerks me into a hug. She pushes me back just as quickly as I try to retain my balance.

"Baby Boy, you did really good with this one."

"Glad I have your approval," he deadpans.

"Holy shit, it's cold out here! Come in, come in! We have plenty of food. I even hid some from Emmett, the glutton."

We enter the warm house and Edward's mother takes our coats and other winter accessories in a flurry before manually pushing us into chairs and yelling for the other two men in her family. I hear two sets of footsteps- a calm, comforting set and one I can only guess belongs to a hippo. They appear and I wonder why no one is ugly. Every family has an ugly member, kind of like boybands.

"Annie!" The one that I assume is Emmett- because of my clearly brilliant deduction skills- bellows out. I side eye Edward, who just looks embarrassed. He bounds over and sits right next to me. "It's a pleasure to meet you." He extends his hand, which I take, and shakes it so hard that my entire body shakes with it.

"Em!" Edward hisses.

"It's okay, Edward," I assure him. Turning to Emmett, I say, "the name is Bella."

"Oh, I know. I also call you CBB," he informs me.

I furrow my brow. CBB?

"Code Brown Bella. You know because you made Eddie here shit his pants. I love a girl with a gun."

"You like girls with guns, do you?"

He nods gleefully.

"Good, because the next time you bring that up, I'm going to go get my gun and shoot _you_. And I won't introduce you to my friend and she's really dirty hot. Now, do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?" I ask, ala Chris Tucker. I love Rush Hour.

He nods again, not as enthusiastically this time.

Edward leans toward me to whisper in my ear, "I really _really_ like you."

"If you really _really_ like me, you'll pass the pancakes. I'm starving."

His laugh resonates around the dining room as he does just that.

I'm really _really_ glad I didn't shoot him.

 **I'm really really glad she didn't shoot him either. And I do love me some Esme. 3**


	13. Chapter 13

**I know, I know… It's been over two months. Sorry, writer's block is a real bitch. This isn't beta'd, so any mistakes are mine… aren't they always, though?**

 **Last update, we met the Cullen's and you all loved Esme so we will continue there and then some alone time for Annie Oakley and Code Brown Cullen.**

 **OPMC Chapter 13**

 **EPOV**

Growing up with Emmett, I am used to the table being cleared of any edibles. It is just a fact that there will be no leftovers. But this is the first time I have ever seen anyone out eat Emmett. He is currently leading the group that are blinking spastically at my girl putting away food like she has four extra stomachs.

She finally finishes the very last piece of bacon and sighs contently as she leans back in her chair. That's when she notices my family looking at her. I see the blush rising on her cheeks and I tense. I will not allow anyone to make Bella uncomfortable.

"That's impressive," my mother gushes.

"Marry her, Edward," my father demands.

"I think I love you," Emmett sings.

Bella gets this mischievous look on her face. "So, what am I so afraid of?" She sings.

"I'm afraid that I'm not sure of…" Back to Emmett…

"A love there is no cure for!" Then Bella.

"I think I love youuuuuuu!" They finish together.

Then they burst into giggles and guffaws while my mother claps enthusiastically.

Lord help me, I'm falling for my brother's female counterpart.

"Let's go to the living room while this gets cleaned up," my mother suggests.

Bella jumps up and grabs some dishes to take to the kitchen. My mother places her hand on her arm to stop her. "You are not doing cleanup duty."

"But I ate. That's what a good guest does, right?" Bella looks uncertain.

"I wouldn't know. I don't clean. Boys, you know the drill."

Bella shoots me a confused look so I explain. "Mom cooks, we clean. That's been the rule since they got married."

"I told Carlisle when he married me that I'm not a housekeeper but that I had some names for him should he want to hire one. We've had a housekeeper ever since but Carmen is always off on weekends. Normally, she joins us for brunch but her son is visiting."

Dad grins. "She's better off in the bedroom anyway."

I groan. "Dad, please."

Bella laughs. "Edward, lighten up. It's refreshing." She hooks her arm through my mother's. "Now, where are the embarrassing baby photos?"

I groan as my father throws me a dishtowel.

We make quick work of the clean-up- well as quick as we can with Em's adolescent ass. I hear the girls howling in laughter as we join them.

"Nice chaps, Edward," Bella winks.

"I was four. How was I to know I was supposed to put pants under them?" I glare accusingly at my mother.

"I fixed it, after I took the picture. You had a cute tushy."

I shoot a glare, this time at Em, as he hoots in laughter. I crash down on the sofa next to him. "Laugh it up, Em. One day this could be you."

"I don't embarrass, Eddie Boy. I can show my cute tushy now. Wanna see it, Bella?"

"Emmett Nixon Cullen, that is your brother's girlfriend. Keep it up and I will put you over my knee and beat that 'tushy'."

Bella laughs at Emmett. "Your middle name is Nixon?"

"Edward's is Clinton," he shrugs.

"Oh, okay." Her obvious bafflement is adorable. "Why?" She asks my mom, who sighs dreamily.

"I have a thing for bad boy presidents."

"Fair enough, but Edward was born right around the time Clinton took the presidency so technically he hadn't done anything 'bad' yet."

"He hit on me outside an Arkansas hotel in 1992," she gushes. "And really, I can spot a bad boy up to one hundred miles. Can't I Carlisle?" She winks and purrs.

Em and I groan while Bella is gleeful. She hops up from the floor and flops down next to me, instantly getting comfortable. "I love your family," she whispers into my neck.

I laugh softly as I tilt my head onto hers. I watch Dad blush at something Mom whispers in his ear and then over at Emmett who is laughing his head off at some Face Book video. "Yeah, they are pretty great."

***OPMC****

Bella looks around as I stop my car. "Where are we?" She asks. Then that mischievous look again, "Are you taking me parking, Edward?"

I laugh. "No." I pause. "But for future reference, is that an option?"

"Of course," she winks.

"Good to know, "I murmur. "Now, I know it's cold but it really is worth it. Are you game?"

She grins, then a "hell yeah" as she puts on her toboggan, zips her coat and puts on her gloves. "Let's go."

I rush around to open her car door then take her gloved hand in mine. I make a pit stop at my trunk and grab my lantern and a blanket.

"No shovel?" She asks.

"Nope, used it on my last date," I joke. Her giggle warms me like nothing else can.

"It's just a little ways this way," I tell her as I lead her down a well-worn path.

"So, what is 'it'?" She asks.

"'It' is a place I discovered in high school. I was a nerd and I didn't have many friends, so I spent a lot of time alone. If I spent too much time in my room, Em accused me of jacking off in front of my parents every chance he got, so I decided to find somewhere… anywhere… else to spend my time."

"He's loud and obnoxious, but he's fun. And I don't think he means to embarrass you. I think he's just trying to take the heat off his own shortcomings. Most people hide behind boisterous tomfoolery to mask pain of some sort."

"Boisterous tomfoolery, huh, Dr. Swan?"

"Well, I am a writer. The rest of that stuff is just from observation."

"Hmmm. Well, here we are," I say as I lead her to our destination.

"Wow," she breathes out.

"Yeah. Wow, "I agree, though I'm not sure if it's the clearing or the look on her face that I'm responding to.

I walk towards the middle of the clearing and put down the blanket. I motion for her to join me and settle her in next to me.

"I know it's freezing so we won't stay long but I wanted to share this with you. This is my meadow. I only used to come during the day but one day I feel asleep and when I woke up it was dark and I looked up and there were all these beautiful stars in the sky. See, when I was younger all I wanted to do was leave this place and go anywhere else. Away from the embarrassing parents and brother that I was always so different from, just… away. But looking up at that sky… I knew I would never see another sight like it if I went somewhere else." I looked at her then continued. "But I was wrong. Because looking at you, all curled up into me, with that contented smile on your face… that sky doesn't hold a candle to you. And I'm glad I didn't leave here… _and_ that you didn't shoot me." I chuckled, which was cut off by her twisting around and planting her lips on mine.

I tore her hat off and thrust my fingers into her silken strands as I tugged her impossibly closer to me. Her actions mirrored mine until our breathing was cut off but neither moved to take a much-needed breath. Until we had to. A giggle, a blush- though that might have been from the wind chill- and a smile and I feel even deeper in this bundle of feelings that I was afraid to put a name to.

I've heard of love at first sight, because who hasn't. But for a pragmatic, play-it-safe guy like me, that wasn't something I particularly believed in. But looking at her looking at me, it was the only word that was currently screaming at me, over and over.

Love. Love. LOVE. The song that Bella and Em had briefly duet-ed today was probably the most accurate thing in my life at this moment. But being the pragmatic, play-it-safe guy that I am, I need to analyze when I get home.

"We'd better go," I whisper, when I feel her shaking.

"Okay," She whispers. "But can we come back when it gets warmer?"

"Absolutely," I promise, thrilled at the mention of a future since Spring was months away.

She waits while I gather my things and as we walk back, I hear her humming.

' _I think I love you…'_

 **I bet that song is stuck in your head now, isn't it?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the long ass wait. I can go into it all but excuses, excuses... I think you'd just rather get to the chapter.** **This is not beta'd, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **OPMC Chapter 14**

 **BPOV**

"This is nice. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever."

Rose, Alice and I are sitting at my dining room table. It's the first girl's night we've had in a long time.

"I've been busy," I answer to Rose's subtle rebuke.

"With Edward?" Alice grins.

"Yes, with Edward. And Edward's family."

"Apparently, you've had time to clean too."

"Yes, well, Edward comes over sometimes and his place is immaculate. It's giving me a complex."

"Are you cooking now, too?"

"Oh, no, I like this guy. Food poisoning would ruin the pretty."

Rose finally cracks a smile.

"Okay, what gives?"

"I don't know what you mean," she sniffs.

Even Alice rolls her eyes.

"What I mean is that you have hounded me for months to date someone again and now that I am, you go all silent judgy on me. Usually you are loud judgy, so it worries me."

"I just never took you for the kind of friend to go gaga over some guy and forget her friends exist."

"Seriously? It's been three weeks since I last saw you and two days since we last talked. So, what is really the problem?"

"She's jealous." Alice answers, matter of factly.

I look to Rose; whose mouth is now in a straight line and her eyes lasering Alice.

" _You_ are jealous of _me_? Messy, non-ambitious, clueless me? Why?" She remains silent, so I grab my oldest friend's hand and squeeze. "I can't solve the problem if I don't know what the problem is."

Rose softens and squeezes my hand back.

"The last few dates I've been on were duds. No chemistry whatsoever. I feel like I'm destined to be alone. And all I wanted to do was call you, but I knew you were out with Edward."

"Dude, I am never too busy for you. But have you ever considered why they are duds?"

"They are all handsome, financially comfortable, ambitious up and comers." She ticks the attributes off like they are on a list.

 _Check_

 _Check_

 _Double check_

I exchange a look with Alice. "Exactly. Rose, you can't find your soulmate based off this set of traits."

"I'm sorry that incontinence is not on my list." She sniffs.

"Rose, sweetie, I love you but if you ever bring that up in that snippy way of yours in front of me, or God forbid, Edward, I will end you. Maybe you can't have a successful relationship because you are being a vapid bitch. Edward is kind, gentle, patient and sweet. He treats me like I'm everything that's good in his life. That's what you need to be looking for. What's inside, not the outer packaging."

Rose looks down at her hands still entwined with mine because I'm trying not to let go of them to wrap mine around her seemly neck.

"Where would I even find a guy like that?" She asks.

"Wanna borrow Angelina?" I joke.

She giggles.

"No, I'd probably shoot myself in the foot like Barney Fyfe."

"Look, I wasn't expecting an Edward. And guys, I really really like this guy. And I want you to meet him now that I know he won't run screaming."

"We are not that bad," Alice protests.

"You two know all my secrets- the good, the bad and the ugly. But I figure if Tanya didn't scare him off, you two won't."

"Leave my Tanya alone," Rose coos. On cue, Tanya jumps into her lap and becomes a purr pile. "So, does Edward have any brothers?" She hints.

"Yes, one. Emmett. He's hilarious but slightly scared of me. I love it."

"Why would anyone be scared of you?"

"Why I threatened to shoot him, of course."

"Way to make a good first impression, Bella." Alice laughs.

I stare straight at Rose. "He made fun of Edward."

Rose shifts a little in her seat. "Duly noted."

"Good. Anyway, we thought we could all go out to The Dam Bar next Saturday night. You can meet Edward and I'll see if he can bring Emmett and Jasper."

"What's Jasper's last name?" Alice asks.

"Um… Whitlock, I think. I haven't met him yet, but Edward says he's a great guy."

"Yeah, he is," Alice says.

"Ali, are you blushing? Wait, how do you know Jasper?"

"He's my shrink."

Well, that got our attention.

"Why are you in therapy?"

"Daddy issues," she says. We both nod knowing what we do about Ali's family dynamics. Her dad abused both Ali and her mom for years before her mother got them out and pressed charges. He was being a slime ball somewhere in the Southeastern part of the United States with his fourth wife.

"You okay, Ali?" I ask, worried. She's always quiet but everyone around Rose has no choice but to be quiet.

"Yeah. You know how I get sometimes with everything. Mom just thought it might be good to talk to a professional once I got insurance," she shrugs.

"And you like Jasper?"

"Of course, Dr. Whitlock is very professional and kind… and professional."

I exchange looks with Rose. Ali has never really been in a relationship with anyone. She distrusts men for obvious reasons. She looks uncomfortable though, so I change the subject.

"Well, hopefully no doctor/patient codes will be broken by having a few drinks," I smile, deciding to get away from the heavy.

Ali smiles gratefully then changes the subject. "So, you've met the 'in laws'."

I snort. "More like out laws. Esme is a hoot and a half. Carlisle is so much like Edward in that he embraces Esme's crazy and doesn't bat an eye."

"And Emmett?" Rose pipes in, acting all casual but I know what's really up.

"Crazy fun, hot in a muscled-up jock kind of way. He has a steady job and has no verbal filter."

She frowns a little.

"He's not your usual type but if you aren't interested after next weekend, I won't push it."

"Okay. I'm in. Triple 'date' next weekend. But no promises."

I look to Ali.

"You know how I am in social situations with people I don't know…"

I nod because I do.

"But since I will know three of the five people, I'm also in."

"Awesome," I squeal because the girls get to meet my man. Finally.

 *****OPMC*****

I look again towards the entrance, stretching my neck so far out, it pops.

"Will you relax? I'm pretty sure Edward is a sure thing. He won't stand you up and it's only been five minutes," Rose admonishes in that way of hers.

"I haven't seen him since Wednesday. He had a job out in Seattle setting up someone's new tech equipment." I complain.

Rose rolls her eyes as she sips her drink.

"You're such a girl, Bella."

"Well, yeah, Rose. They're called boobs." I put my hands under mine and jiggle them up.

"Looks like we came at exactly the right time, Bro. BOOBS!" Emmett shouts.

I giggle as I get up, bypass Emmett and quickly pull Edward in a kiss. He kisses me back just as enthusiastically.

"Well, hello to you, too, Annie."

"Hi, Emmett," I answer, still wrapped around Edward.

"You know you love me more. You can stop pretending with my little bro. All the chicks dig me." He winks at me and then turns dramatically around to Ali and Rose. "Hello, Ladies."

Ali laughs while Rose rolls her eyes and sips some more drink. I glare at her and she shrinks a little. Emmett notices my frown.

"Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?" He sings. Then he belts out the entire chorus of _Smooth Criminal_.

A man who I assume is Jasper, pushes him out of the way and extends his hand to me. "Hi, I'm Jasper. It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am."

I am all Edward's, but I swooned. A tall, blonde, Southern gentleman?

I giggle.

"Stop trying to take my girl, Whit."

Jasper holds his hands up in surrender. "A girl needs to know she has options. Now, where are the two other lovely ladies at." He swings around to our six top and halts, almost falling over his feet.

"Miss Brandon?"

"Hi, Dr. Whitlock," she waves awkwardly.

They just look at each other, long enough for it to become uncomfortable. I look to Edward and he takes charge.

"Well, are we going to stand here all night? Let's sit down and get our drink on."

They snap out of it and we all sit down. It's Edward, me, Jasper, Alice, Rose and Emmett- in that order.

I don't know Jasper, but I feel the need to ask anyway.

"Is this going to be a problem?"

He turns to me, confused.

"Ali, I mean. She told us she's your patient, but you can still hang out right?"

He smiles. "Yes, I just wasn't expecting to see her outside of the four walls of my office which in a small area like this, probably wasn't the smartest thing to assume. It's all good."

I smile and when he turns his attention away from me, I nod encouragingly at Ali. She breathes out, relieved and Emmett then takes over with some outlandish story.

"What was with Whit and Alice?" Edward whispers to me.

"He's her therapist."

His eyes widen. "Okay. Small world huh?"

"Yes, it is. I think Rose might be an issue tonight. She's in bitch mode, it seems."

We both look at her and she is appearing to be visibly bored, but I know her. I see that glint of interest in Emmett's story.

"Well, Em isn't everyone's cup of tea," Edward allows.

"I don't know about that. Call me crazy, but I think Rose might just be sipping from that cup by the end of tonight."

"Eww."

"Not like that, you perv." I laugh.

"I am not a perv. I'm a gentleman. I can even adopt a Southern accent if you prefer." He looks knowingly at me.

"No thanks. Jasper isn't my type. He's like a book boyfriend."

"A what?"

"A book boyfriend." He still looks confused. "A book boyfriend is a lead character in a book that you swoon over but in real life, isn't what you want at all. It's all smoke and mirrors. Fantasy if you will."

"So, Jasper is your fantasy and I'm… what exactly?"

He looks so insecure right now and I never want that. So, I lean real close and make him look at me to know I mean what I say.

"You? Well, hopefully, you're my happily ever after."

His smile, I swear. It's a mixture of boyish charm and manly sexiness all wrapped into one amazingly hot package.

"I want to be that, too."

"Well then don't worry about being anything for me but yourself. Okay?"

"Okay," he whispers then kisses me ever so gently. Our moment is broken by several chips that someone throws at us.

"There are other people here," Emmett says.

Right.

I throw the chips back towards him, but my aim is shit and I hit Rose, one snagging in her hair. And oops, it had salsa and cheese on it.

"You got food in my hair!" She exclaims as she stands up.

"It was a total accident, I swear." I assure her. She flings a hot wing at me anyway, hitting me dead in the forehead. It bounces off leaving buffalo sauce residue on my face.

"Oh, it's on, bitch." I stand up too.

Ali, ever the peacemaker, tries to reason with us. "Guys, come on. Rose, it was an accident. Bella, please be the grown up here. We're in public." A spoonful of guac hits her dead on. Rose and I look at each other but it wasn't either of us.

"You really have to learn to lighten up, Mary Alice Brandon," Jasper grins. "Doctor's orders."

Well, let's just say that Ali lightened up alright. Lightened up a whole bowl of cheese dip on Dr. Whitlock's curly blonde locks. Twenty minutes later, we were all covered in food and in the parking lot where we were unceremoniously dumped after security got involved.

"I don't think I've ever been kicked out of a bar before," Rose comments.

Ali and I nod in agreement.

"I have," Emmett shrugs.

"Me too," Jasper nods.

"Me, three," Edward, my sweet innocent Edward, pipes up.

"You've been kicked out of a bar before?"

They all three point at each other and say, "It was his fault".

"What else don't I know about you?" I ask.

"So much, but we have a long time to find it all out. Diner?"

I nod.

"We're headed to the diner. Let's try not to get kicked out of this place, okay? Rose, wipe the queso off your cheek."

She scowls, and Emmett steps up and wipes it so gently off her cheek with his finger then tastes it. "Spicy." He winks.

Then I watch my bitchy, know it all friend visibly wilt under his heated gaze.

"She is so gonna sip his tea tonight." I whisper to Edward.

"Ewww…."


	15. Chapter 15

**I struggled with this chapter alot. Sorry for the over two month delay but damn, I couldn't get my shit together. Apologies. And if it sucks, please forgive me. LOL.**

 **OPMC Chapter 15**

 **EPOV**

"You want a beer?" I ask, as I peer over the refrigerator door. Jasper nods.

I grab two and settle next to him on the couch.

"You sounded frantic, Man. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know," he sighs forlornly.

"Not that I mind at all but normally I come to you for advice, but I'll do my best."

"How did you know with Bella?" He asks.

"Know what?"

"That she was the 'one'?"

Oh. "You know, we haven't had that talk yet."

Jasper seems surprised. "Really, I just assumed… Y'all really seem to mesh well with each other. Huh."

"I didn't say she wasn't the 'one', I just said we haven't had that talk yet. I know she's it, but everything is just so easy with her and I don't really want to be the one to complicate it. Basically, I'm waiting for her cue before we hit the heavy stuff." Yeah, that sounds good.

"But when you two make love, is it different than with anyone else?"

"First of all, I haven't been with that many people to compare it to and secondly, we haven't taken that step yet but I'm sure when we do, it will be different."

"The way you two gravitate towards each other suggests you are intimately involved with each other."

"As you well know, there are different forms of intimacy. I prefer the emotional aspect of it rather than the physical. Not that I don't want the physical, but we aren't there yet."

"Understood."

"I know you didn't come over here to analyze my relationship so quit stalling and tell me what's wrong," I demand gently.

He takes a breath. "Okay, so I've met this girl and I really like her. She's smart and funny and beautiful- God, she's beautiful- and we mesh so well."

"But…" I prod gently.

"But I can't peruse anything with her."

"Why the hell not? This doesn't seem like an issue to me. Bella almost shot me, but I still pursued her. What could be worse than that?"

"She's my patient."

"Oh. Yeah, that is slightly problematic."

"You think?"

We sit there a moment and it takes a minute before my neurons fire together.

"Wait. Alice?"

"Yeah."

"Wow. Does she know you feel this way?"

"Of course not! That is all kinds of unethical professionally speaking. Not to mention what if I told her and she thought I was trying to take advantage of her in my position of 'power'. I know all her secrets, Edward. All her doubts, fears and insecurities. Everything. I've never had to pry anything out of her. She willingly tells me."

"How long have you felt this way?"

"Since our first session."

"Is that why you haven't dated anyone in a while?"

"Yes. God, I'm so screwed," he groans.

"Or not, depending how you look at it."

A loud knock at the door followed by the door opening, interrupts us. Jasper freezes then relaxes when he sees Emmett.

"What are you two girls, doing?" He bellows in that annoying way of his.

"Just hanging out." I reply, covering for Jasper.

"Without me? How rude. You know it's not a party unless I'm here." Em says as he sits in my recliner.

"I didn't realize you had removed yourself from Rose yet."

"Even my penis needs a break every now and then."

I cringe knowing the details are coming.

"Bro, she does this thing with her tongue that drives me wild. And she is very limber, so I can bend her…"

"Please stop!" I beg.

Em pouts. "I would let you tell me about you and Bella."

"Yes, I'm aware which makes you ten times creepier than usual."

"You and Jasper can tell me about your sex lives." He leans forward. "Come on."

Jasper and I exchange looks.

"No thanks, Emmett, but nice of you to offer," Jasper declines.

"Edward?"

"I'm with Jasper."

Emmett looks at both of us and it seems he, too, has a light bulb moment and he starts laughing. "Oh, neither of you are getting any! This is rich. I'm getting laid and you two are not."

"You are always getting laid by someone or something," I point out.

"Not anymore. I'm a one-woman man now. Rose would cut my dick off. She's scary but I like it. But Man, you and Bella seem hot and heavy."

"I am experiencing déjà vu. Look, it's none of your business. And don't you say a damn thing to Bella about it either. My relationship not yours."

Em puts his hands up in defense. "Okay, chill. Jasper?"

"What he said," Jasper points to me.

"I already know anyway. Pillow talk," he grins.

"What are you talking about?" Jasper asks.

"Nothing but I do have one question. When are you going to _dump_ Alice as a patient, so you can _hump_ her as your girlfriend?"

 *****OPMC*****

 **BPOV**

"This is nice," I say to my dad as we munch on burgers and fries from the diner.

"Yeah, I've been busy lately with… things. But I won't ever forget my best girl," he smiles at me.

"Meaning you've been busy with a girl," I tease. "How is Sue?"

Charlie blushes in that adorable way of his. "She's fine. How's Edward?"

"Touché. He's great actually. We should double date one night."

"That sounds awkward," he clears his throat.

"For you, maybe. I think it'll be hilarious. Oh, the stories I can tell Sue," I grin.

"I have my own stories about you," he threatens.

"Yeah, but nothing will shock Edward about your stories. I almost shot the dude. He'll just laugh and shake his head. Now, Sue, on the other hand only knows you as Chief Charlie, the protector of Forks. She doesn't know the Charlie that streaked across his high school football stadium as a dare."

"I'll give you fifty to not say a word about that to anyone, ever."

"Throw in some ammo for Angelina and we have a deal."

"You are a menace to society."

"Yeah, well, I was bound to have some of Renee's DNA in there somewhere," I quip.

"Have you heard from her lately?"

I snort. "Well, it's almost March so my Christmas card should show up anytime."

"Hell, Bells. I'm…"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're the best dad a girl could ever have."

That blush, though.

My door burst open and it's Alice looking frantic, which isn't an Alice trait normally. She plops down in the seat next to me. "If I don't fuck the shit out of Jasper soon, I may spontaneously combust."

Charlie chokes on his fry. "That's my cue to leave." He hastily shuts his take-out container, grabs his drink and is out the door with a sputtered, "Bye."

"Well, that's one way to clear a room. As you were saying?"

Alice bangs her head on my table, "ugh."

"Just find another therapist."

"Oh, yeah. That's a great idea. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Okay, sarcasm is my thing. You can't do my thing."

She rolls her eyes. A petulant Alice means she's stressed to the max.

"Why is that a bad idea? I mean, you don't need to stop therapy, I wouldn't think."

"And where do you suggest I go? Jasper and his partner are the only therapists in Port Angeles and I can't go to his partner. Cause she'll ask why I left Jasper and I can't very well tell her why. He could lose his license or at the very least have an ethical inquiry."

She has a valid point. "Okay, but there are other towns with therapists."

"But Jasper gets me," her shoulders slump.

"Okay, stop seeing Jasper professionally and maybe after you've fucked him for a while you can take advantage of his professional skills in a nonprofessional setting."

Alice levels a glare at me. "You're not helping."

I throw my hands up and start throwing away my uneaten dinner, which let's face it, is unheard of. "I don't know what you want me to tell you." I lean against the fridge and level my own look at her. "Either keep him as a therapist and lose the crush. Or find another therapist and take a change at happiness."

She goes back to banging her head on my table. I gently stop her as I take my seat again. "Look, you're making this more difficult than it needs to be."

Her eyes well with unshed tears. "What if he doesn't want me? What if I tell him I am firing him, and he was never interested in me other than me being his patient?"

"Well, you won't know until try, now will you?"

She sniffs but shakes her head. "I'm scared."

"Join the club, Alice. Love is scary."

 *****OPMC*****

I'm just about asleep when my phone chimes.

I smile when I read the message.

' _Our friends are crazy.'_

I giggle. _'They fit in well with us, don't they?'_

' _Haha, yes. I missed you tonight. Dinner tomorrow?'_

' _Wouldn't miss it. Night.'_

' _Sweet dreams, Beautiful. Until tomorrow.'_

If only all relationships could be as sweet and uncomplicated as this.


	16. Chapter 16

**Sorry for the delay. Humor is hard to come by these days.**

 **OPMC Chapter 16**

 **BPOV**

"Charlie, this is ridiculous," I huff, arms crossed as I sit in the back seat next to my boyfriend in my dad's car.

His amused eyes meet mine in the rearview mirror. His moustache twitches.

"Ah, hell, Bells. I never got to do this when you were a teenager."

"That's cause no one wanted to date the Police Chief's daughter. Cause of shit like this." I point out.

Edward takes my hand, forcing me to uncross my arms. "It's okay," he laughs. "I don't mind."

"Dude, we are in the back of a police cruiser. There is a screen separating us from the Dad and Sue and the doors don't open from the inside. How is any of this okay? He should have just let us take your car."

"What would be the fun in that?" Charlie said. "Ouch, Woman!" He exclaimed when Sue slapped his arm.

"Ha," I mutter. Karma is a bitch.

We pull into The Lodge, which is like the nicest restaurant Forks has to offer. As Charlie takes his damn sweet time coming to let me out, I spy with my little eye… payback.

Charlie only agreed to this double date because he was promised a quiet dinner with just us four. Well, too damn bad.

Once I am finally out, I give Charlie the hairy eyeball then stalk over to Edward, pulling him towards the door. I need to beat Charlie to the hostess stand to pull this off. I shoot off a quick text and spot Rose craning her neck to see me. I raise my eyebrow in question and she nods then points to another party I didn't see.

Oh, this should be an interesting evening indeed.

I lean in close to the hostess. "I need to have us four join those six over there, but act like you are going to seat us past them." pointing to where Jasper and Emmett were already putting the tables together. I slip her a twenty. She shrugs and pockets the money.

"Did you tell them four, Bella?" Charlie asks as he joins us.

"Sure did, Dad." Plus, six.

I casually follow the hostess then, "Edward, look! It's your family!" I exclaim excitedly. His stifled laughter tells me I may be laying it on a little thick. Whatever, I'm a writer, not an actress.

"I see that. Hi, family." His awkward little wave is all kinds of adorable.

"We saw you walk in, so we moved the tables together." Now Rose is an amazing actress. So calm, cool and collected. "We'd love for you all to join us."

Now, Charlie may be the police chief and he may have to conversate with people in order to do his job but if you think I am awkward, well, all I can say is DNA. He doesn't do well with new people and I can see sweat on his brow as he pulls at the collared shirt Sue made him wear.

"That would be great. Thanks, Rose." I begin to sit down in my seat only to be unceremoniously dumped into a chair next to where my ass was about to sit.

"What the fuck, Charlie?"

"Watch your mouth and no way in hell am I sitting next to that train wreck of unbridled lust and hormonal imbalance," he hisses as he looks over at Alice, who is making moony eyes at Jasper from afar.

Then he calmly sits next to me giving Edward no choice but to sit across from me. "Remember, you asked for this," he mouths.

I give him my perfected 'shut the hell up' glare but all he does is wink and ask Sue what's she having.

Esme, who is sitting caddy cornered from me, starts talking to me about next weekend's brunch and what she should cook. That brings Em into the conversation because… food.

"Chief Swan, you should join us next weekend," Esme says.

"Oh, well, I may have to work."

"You're off next weekend," Sue says helpfully. He gives her _my_ glare which makes her laugh.

What the hell is wrong with these people? That's a good glare.

"Excellent! Carlisle, Chief Swan and Sue are joining us for brunch."

"That's wonderful, Dear."

Charlie elbows me. "You put her up to that, didn't you?"

"Are you shitting me? That means less food for me."

He considers that for a moment then nods. "Yeah, you're right. But how am I supposed to get through that?"

"They're great people, Dad. Kind of like you, when you aren't shoving me and my boyfriend in the back of your cruiser."

"Get over it." He looks at all the people down the table. "Looks like you have an extended family here, Bells. I'm proud for you. Looks like the Cullen's will be great in laws."

In laws? I look at Edward, who is listening to his mom who is talking about whatever. No wonder he is so good with me. He had plenty of practice with Esme and Emmett.

But in laws means marriage and that is never something I ever really considered for myself. All of my former boyfriends always said I was strange, kooky, lost in my head, yada yada yada.

But this man.

 _This man_.

He is patient and kind. He is amused by what has freaked others out. I can be myself around him and his family. He doesn't judge. He jokes about how much my food costs, but I know he doesn't mean it. He doesn't pressure me for anything I am not ready or willing to give. We're like yin and yang. Dare I say… soulmates?

"Holy shit, you're my penguin!"

Well, that brings all conversation to a halt as everyone is now staring at me. I only notice a bit because I am too busy staring at Edward in awe.

He looks confused for just a moment then a small, slow smile spreads across his handsome face.

Damn, he gets it.

 _He gets me._

We just smile all sappily at each other as conversation finally resumes around us.

As the waitress comes to take our order, Edward mouths, "we'll talk later."

I nod then order my two appetizers, salad, bread, entrée and dessert.

Charlie shakes his head as the waitress leaves. "Edward, I'm so glad you're paying for her dinner tonight. I had a college fund set aside for her when she was growing up, but she ate it up, literally. Good luck, Son."

"Oh, we completely understand that, Charlie. Emmett was the same way. I told Carlisle I might have to start stripping on the side if he didn't stop."

Oh, Esme, how I do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Charlie choked on his beer and I pounded on his back. "You okay there, Charlie?"

He sent me an evil glare cause he knows. Karma, dude. Don't talk smack about your daughter.

"I'm happy to do it but if I have to start dipping into my savings, I might have to put her on a diet," Edward jokes.

My penguin say what?

Now I'm evil glaring and he just smirks with his pretty little mouth.

Okay then.

My foot just happens to come out of my shoe and it just so happens to run ever so slowly up his leg. He cocks a brow at me.

Oh, I'm not done yet.

Up, up and further up it goes until his eyes are wide, until my foot finds his…. Oh, there you are. Hey, not so little guy.

Now, he's the one evil glaring and I'm the one smirking. My how the tables have turned.

Esme leans her head over to whisper in my ear. "Carlisle likes it when I brush my toes under his balls."

Forget Edward, I think I'm in love with his mother. Like, a lot. But even I know it's weird that his mother knows I'm playing footsie with her son's junk, so I slowly remove my foot.

Or, I try. But he clamps his hand over my foot, trapping it where it is. Evil glare gone. Erection at full mast. Eyes smoldering.

Only two words need to be said…

"Check, please!"

Okay, maybe a few more.

"Can you make that order to go?"

Cause… food.

"Bella, what is wrong with you? We haven't eaten yet and I'm your ride," Charlie reminds me.

"Damn, cock blocking cop," I mutter quietly.

Not quietly enough.

"Did you just… Bella, I don't need to know that. Ever. I don't need to know that ever." He complains. Loudly.

"Oh, lighten up Chief. It's not like you aren't getting laid on the regular," I hiss.

Edward groans quietly and lets go of my foot muttering, "I'm good now."

I shoot him an apologetic look and he smiles. It's strained but it's a smile.

"Later." I mouth.

His smile is less strained this time.

"Later." He agrees.

 **So... later?**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for your continued patience, though you may have just forgotten about me. Wouldn't blame you there at all.**

 **Thanks to my sister Mandy for the help- she wrote the lemon. That's what had me stuck y'all. For MONTHS. All humor and cursing is mine.**

 **Enjoy! Off to work on Princess.**

 **OPMC Chapter 17**

 **EPOV**

I pay for dinner, making sure to include the Chief and Sue's as well. Can't let her dad think I'm cheap. He's already glaring at me knowing I'm going to defile his daughter later.

' _I've come for your daughter, Chuck.'_ I snort thinking how much Bella has rubbed off on me as that Beetlejuice quote pops out of nowhere.

I'm not quite sure what caused Bella's epiphany but I'm beyond grateful for it. Not that I want her just for sex. Not even close but I am a guy and I am insanely – emphasis on insane- attracted to her.

I have my hand positioned at the curve of her hip as I lead her out. I feel Charlie's eyes boring into my back, but I stay relaxed. He knows I'm a good guy- even pushed her to find me. She runs off to hug Alice goodbye and Sue is heading towards the cruiser. So now I'm alone with the guy even though backup is twenty feet away in various positions around the parking lot.

"Chief."

"Edward."

I wait for more, but he just uses the police officer look.

"I'm not going to hurt her."

He blinks and clears his throat.

"I do know that. It's just…"

"She's your baby girl. I get it. You know I'm not her first boyfriend, right?"

"Those yahoos aren't even in your league."

"Then why are you glaring at me like I'm stealing your daughter away from you?"

"Aren't you?"

"No. Why would you…" I'm confused.

"She's never loved any man other than me. Oh, she thought she loved them, but they never understood her spirit like I do. Like _you_ do. And it makes me thrilled and sad all at the same time."

I steal a look over at Bella, watching her giggle in the gaggle of girls that were with her. Say that three times real fast.

"Chief, that girl adores you and nothing I will do will ever stop that." I look back at him. "Not that I would ever want that. I'm close to my family and I want the woman I spend my life with to have that same support. I know her mother is absent, but she doesn't even let it bother her because she knows she has you. And my mother can step in because my mother and Bella? Two peas in a pod." I laugh.

"You are a great guy, Edward, but what kind of dad would I be if I didn't try to make you sweat a little?" His moustache twitches.

"Understood, but Bella and I are catching a ride with Emmett nonetheless."

He laughs, pats my back twice and heads over to tell Bella bye. I watch her launch into his arms and kiss his cheek- the same cheek that blushes pink when she does so. He waves to everyone and gets in the car with Sue.

I chat with Jasper and Emmett until the girls are done gossiping and then Bella and I climb in the back of my brother's Hummer with Em and Rose in the front. Conversation is normal until Em fiddles with his sound system. The musical stylings of 2 Live Crew blare out.

' _What'll we get for 10 dollars?_

 _Every 'ting you want._

 _Everything?_

 _Every 'ting._

 _Ahh! Me so Horny!_

 _Me love you long time!'_

Bella and Rose are belting out the lyrics while I glare at the back of Emmett's head. He turns it down when he catches the look on my face much to my girlfriend's disgruntlement.

"Not funny." I tell him.

"It's a little funny. My brother becomes a man tonight." He teases.

"Emmett, I lost my virginity when I was seventeen."

"Yeah, but now they have all that Fifty Shades erotica shit that women like to do."

"Um, no. I'm either gonna fight or I'm gonna fuck. I'm not going to do both at the same time." Bella chimes in.

I choke on nothing while Rose loses it completely, dissolving in a mass of giggles.

"Hey, it's kind of fun, Bella. You don't know what you're missing." Em counters.

"What my nasty friend and you do in bed in your own business. What Edward and I do in ours is not _that_."

Rose is now choking and Em is banging her on the back.

"Emmett, not so hard!" I protest.

"Oh, she likes it." Bella explains.

"I wish we would have ridden home in your father's car."

"That's what she said." Emmett says gleefully.

"I swear, you are twelve years old."

Bella giggles then snuggles into me. "We're almost home." She whispers.

Home. It's technically her house since that is where we left our cars but I'm beginning to see that home is wherever Bella is.

 *****OMPC*****

We're dropped off with wolf whistles and condoms thrown at us. I groan as Bella laughs. She makes a production of gathering them all up, then she tugs me into her apartment then there is other tugging- shoes, socks, shirts, pants- until we are both standing in our undergarments.

She bursts out into giggles when she looks down. I'm hoping it's the Ellen underwear she is laughing at and not my blatant erection. I mean I'm not hung like a porn star or anything but I do believe I am above average.

She bites her lip then and I'm relieved that it _is_ the underwear.

"There's no shit stains in these." And oh my god, why did I just say that?

I groan again.

Her smile is kind with no mirth in it. "Are you nervous?" She whisper asks.

"A little. You?"

"Yeah. It's been a while and never with anyone as important to me as you are."

Her honesty is breathtaking in its simplicity.

"I know exactly what you mean."

I then lean down to kiss her gently letting her deepen it. I'm going to let her lead tonight as my main concern is to make sure she is comfortable.

Undergarments are slowly shed, hands gently covering unknown territory. We're in her room now and she's on her knees in the middle of her floor and she's staring at me. Well, at part of me. I can see her overthinking so I come down to her level until she is looking me in the eyes.

"You _do not_ have to do anything you are not comfortable with."

"I'm not uncomfortable but I'm pretty sure deep throating is out of the question. I'm used to gherkins not cucumbers."

I laugh and so does she. "It's always about the food with you, isn't it?"

She slyly wraps her hand around me. "Well, not always."

I am definitely not laughing now.

She looks dead into my eyes with a playful smirk on her pretty little face. She kneels and leans her head forward. She still has me in one hand and began sliding her tongue down my shaft.

My knees almost buckle as I grab her hair urging her forward. She guides me into her mouth, slowly at first, then takes me in deeper and deeper still. I can feel my eyes roll into the back of my head and a very primal sound escapes me. That seems to quicken her pace.

She uses her hand to stroke me and her mouth to drive me insane. She begins to whimper and I can tell that she is getting wetter by the second. This is turning her on.

Her eyes smile up at me as she sees what she was doing to me. She takes me all the way into her mouth after all and I'm so deep, I feel her throat tighten and myself getting closer to release, so I remove myself, lift her up and throw her on the bed. She gasps and grins at me wildly.

I position myself over her, my dick throbbing with need for release. She is this sexy, dirty little vixen- my dirty little vixen. Her eyes are darker than usual and clouded over with desire. I kiss her with so much need, we both feel it. She was withering underneath me, bucking her hips up to meet me. I still her with my legs and she whimpers in my mouth. When I lifted my lips from hers, hers were swollen and wet. Her eyes were urging, begging for what she needs.

I kiss her neck and suckle ever so slightly. Her head falls back and she moans loudly. I work my way lower placing kisses down every part of her. I take her nipple into my mouth and she presses my head deeper into her breast. I go from one to the other, driving her wild. She's tossing and turning under me and begging over and over. I go lower still as I lick my way down to her belly button and then slowly I drift down between her thighs.

She's so wet as I firmly lick her clit and she scream out. I gently sucked and she almost comes undone. I put one finger inside her, then two and I thrust in and out while I continue to work on her clit. Faster and faster, I hear her cry out and feel her tighten around my fingers and taste her cum in my mouth. I slow my pace, mindful of the sensitivity, and lick every drop she gives me.

I lift my head and see her in all her post orgasmic glory- cheeks all flushed, eyes closed, chest rapidly moving with her every breath. I choose this time to enter her. Her eyes fly open as she cries out once more. I almost cum so I still because she is fluttering like crazy around me. When she settles down, I began to thrust, hitting deep inside her. I can't help myself. I need her- need to be as close to her as I can be. I thrust deeper and deeper, faster and faster until she cums once more bringing me to my release. I scream her name as I follow. Panting and spent, I fall on top of her.

"Can't. Breathe." She gasps. I use the last of my remaining strength to lift myself off her and settle next to her in bed. I still leave my legs entangled with hers.

She pushes her sweaty hair off her face with a huff then looks at me and laughs.

I lick my lips and pant out, "You're laughing?"

"You'll find out as you spend the next fifty or so years with me, that I laugh at the most inappropriate times. So, yes, I am laughing. Mostly out of relief."

"Did you think I would suck?"

"Speaking of sucking…" She trails off with a mischievous grin.

"You are really good at that. I'm almost jealous of how you got so good."

"Cucumbers."

I lift my head up abruptly then roll my eyes at her expression.

"Besides, I could ask you about your downtown dining experience, but I'll refrain. No ghosts of exes past in this bed." She declares.

"That's probably a good idea. Not that there's been many." I clarify.

She settles into my side, placing her cheek on my bare chest. "It doesn't matter if it was one or one hundred. All that matters is what we have right here, right now."

"Look at you becoming all sappy and shit."

She half heartedly swats me then yawns loudly. "Quiet down. I need my beauty sleep."

"I'll wake you up in an hour, then." Cause my girl is beautiful.

"Okay, we need some rules." She suddenly announces.

"Rules?"

"Yes, rules. Rule number one. Don't ever wake me up. I will not be held responsible for what happens to you if you do."

"Um… ok. And number two?"

"There's no number two, only number one."

"Don't wake you up. What if the house is on fire?"

"Then obviously wake me up." She rolls her eyes before yawning again.

"Okay, okay. Sleep. I'll be here when you deign to wake up Princess."

She's already drifting so she doesn't respond. I get comfortable and sleep finds me fairly quickly.

I startle to consciousness as an ambush of sensations over take me. I blink and look down and all I see is a curtain of brown hair and all I feel is teeth and tongue. I struggle to notice the time but it's still dark out.

"What happened to your rule?" I gasp.

She lifts her head up from my… well… head… and grins.

"That rule only pertains to me."

"Fair enough. "I gasp as I let her finish me off.

The lyrics to _I think I love you_ flit through my cloudy mind once again and I wonder what I ever did to deserve this woman. Not sure but I vow to keep doing it for as long as she'll have me.


End file.
